Joy Through Others

There's nothing quite like that cathartic moment when we're driving alone in our car, we hit the steering wheel as hard as we can, shout some form of vulgarity so loud our voice cracks, and the disconcerted feeling that someone may have seen this little meltdown that immediately follows. 

Or is this just me?

I had one of these impulsive moments recently due to some minutia thing that kicked my anxiety into high gear.  I call these moments, 'episodes'.  I've been fighting pretty hard lately to try and deal with these episodes in a healthy way.  After all, I really do want to be more resilient when dealt an unpleasant card in life.  So as the throbbing in my hand began to subside, I slowed my breathing, and 'talked myself off a cliff' as they say, an incredible thing happened - I was in a car accident. 

God, why?

I guess He was testing me.  If I wanted to practice learning how to cope with crummy circumstances, I couldn't think of a better opportunity.  Despite being rear-ended and not at fault in the accident, I still did not deal with what happened in the most healthy way as hoped, but I'm not beating myself up about how I handled it either.  I have chosen to cut myself a break because life is hard enough without making things worse by being hard on myself.  After I got home I just paused and tried thinking of things I was grateful for (like no one getting hurt in the accident for instance).  The important thing is that I improved.  I made an effort.  It's a step in the right direction, I think. 

I've recently discovered another coping strategy that I want to share, but it's not just a coping strategy - it's something that everyone should experience and experience often.  I'm talking about finding joy through other people's joy.

So how do you do that?  Begin with love.  Love isn't selfish.  When we love others, we want them to be happy.  When people are happy, we're getting what we want (because we want those we love to be happy).  When we get what we want, we are happy. 

Loving others + others' happiness = getting what we want = our happiness

When riding the bus home one day recently, I witnessed a couple with their baby come on board and sit down near a young girl.  The girl was holding onto a toy, still in its original box.  She used this box to cover her face and then quickly reveal herself to the baby, saying, "Hola!"  The baby smiled really big and laughed, so the young girl continued to do this over and over again.  As long as she could continue to make the baby smile and laugh, she continued this game of peek-a-boo.  If the baby got distracted, she would try something else to make him smile.  It became her mission to make this baby happy.  You could see it on her face that whenever she succeeded, she too, lit up with joy.

Would if we paid more attention to the times when other people are happy and allowed ourselves to love them enough to care?  Perhaps it would make us forget about our troubles for a while.  When along for the ride and you find your fervor for life running low, look outside yourself and fuel up on the joy of others. 

Vulnerability

Vulnerability.  Some see it as a sign of weakness but I like to see it as just the opposite.  It's brave.  It's placing yourself in the line of fire in order to, let's say, have a real connection with someone.  As one definition states, it's "...offering an opening to criticism."  Offering.  It's intentionally opening yourself up even when you know there are risks of getting hurt.  When you harden your heart and put up walls, you're not being open.  What's the worst that could happen if you were to share your true self with the world?  Is the real conflict actually within ourselves?  For me, it was... 

I had conditioned myself to not be my whole self around anyone who was starting to creep into the 'friend' category.  As a matter of fact, the meaning of that particular 'f' word became very confusing to me.  I didn't understand it; it had a negative connotation to me.  It became a very ugly word to me because whenever I let myself be me and fully open up to one of these 'friends', I felt completely exposed and violated when they faded me out of their lives.  They got more and more distant until they ignored me altogether and I finally took the hint that they were no longer interested in having a relationship with me.  I took this personally.  I would think, "What's wrong with me?  This person knows all this sensitive information about me, I completely opened up to them, and I'm not good enough for them to want to stick around?"  As soon as I realized that this was becoming a trend, up came the walls.

I have to say, I still struggle with this.  It's hard for me to trust anyone.  But I know that if we are rejected by someone, it doesn't mean that we need to change who we are.  I am gradually learning to step out into the open again, but this time I am prepared to deal with any feelings of rejection.  I'm not saying that we should always anticipate being shot down - we don't want to go through life feeling ominous all the time.  Don't be afraid to get your hopes up.  Happiness is a state of being, not a destination, so let's practice being happy in the present moment.  Getting your hopes up for something that doesn't pan out is, to me, better than being in constant fear of failure.     

So to sum things up, why do I stress that we be vulnerable when doing so can cause so much pain?  First off, we give value to our pain.  What makes it painful is our lack of confidence in ourselves.  When we learn to love ourselves, what other people think of us will no longer matter.  Don't jeopardize who you are in order to be a people pleaser.  Respect yourself enough to be true to who you are always.  The people who are along for the ride in our lives come and go and some stay, but if they go, trust that you are all the more better now for having that person in your life at that time. 

Happiness Field Trip

Four A.M. on a Saturday morning is when I decide to rise out of bed and get ready for what I will

come to call my 'Happiness Field Trip.'  The sun catches up with me on my drive to the coast and I end up making an impromptu visit with a small, quiet park.  I find a bench among the pine and other twisty trees and settle in the comforting seclusion (aside from a few neighboring crows).  The shade and cool morning air refreshes me on what would later be just a hot summer day, but there is something rewarding and almost enchanting about this particular hour.  Then I realize, if I were to remain in this present moment, right here, right now, and forget the "running clock" for a while - then I am without a doubt, truly happy. 



I think that last part is worth rereading.  I had the realization that we sometimes find happiness just by paying attention.  If we get out of our heads about what we think we need to do (i.e. the future) or about things we can't control we would live a more joyful life - we would be happier more frequently just by the awareness of those joyful moments.  Be present in life, learn to recognize the moments when you are truly happy, then savor those moments. 

Happiness is waking up to how beautiful your life can be.  You know you're awake when the smallest detail, when something you normally wouldn't think twice about, all of a sudden makes you feel strangely alive.  As I sit alone at a café patio, I see a bird among the flowers, casting his shadow from the new morning sun against a wooden support beam and the image stirs some emotions up inside of me - probably because I have deprived myself of what I needed for too long.  For me, the peace that nature and the quiet morning brought me is what I needed to recharge.  But of course, happiness looks different to everyone.    

I find happiness as I sit alone with my notebook, a warm café latte, and a blueberry scone next to plants that look like gigantic dandelions.   

My happiness is passing a community garden and the smell of flowers on my walk to the beach and looking out at the vast ocean, toes burrowing in the sand. It's not worrying about sticking to any plans and just taking the day as it comes. 

I think happiness is being alone sometimes, but never lonely.  It's doing the things that you love to do without concerning yourself of any judgments from others.  I feel happiness radiate from strangers.  I witness people (what few there are out and about this early) practicing healthy lifestyles - jogging, biking, being cordial to one another, a man walking with a banana and a yoga mat - perhaps to join the others doing yoga on the beach.  Happiness is sharing my sunscreen with a stranger. 

Happiness is listening to jazz on the way home.    

I've lived on the west coast for over a year now and have been telling myself that I should just go to the beach one day.  Better late than never I suppose, but I want to encourage you not to put your happiness on hold.  Sometimes, as in my case, it's only 20 minutes away and you just have to stop making excuses not to just reach out and grab it. 

Take yourself on your own Happiness Field Trip.  Don't look at it as a detour, but rather a necessary part of the journey you are along for the ride for. 





"There is only one way to happiness and that is to cease worrying about things which are beyond the power of our will." -Epictetus   

 

Reflection

Ever since I moved to Los Angeles one year ago, I feel like a timer has been running and I'm constantly aware of the time passing.  I feel as if every moment I'm here is a moment I can't waste.  If I ever start to slack off, it feels like my being here is in vain.  Why be away from my family who is extremely important to me, if I'm doing exactly what I can be doing back home?  This is why I feel the constant push to always be doing the things I can only do in L.A.  I'm on a mission - a mission to try and figure out what I'm supposed to be doing with my life. 

Whew.  Talk about pressure.  Deep huh?  It's kind of a blessing though, if you think about it.  To feel like you're being completely present in the moment all the time - it's one way to try and resist waking up one day and feeling that life has just passed you by. 

As someone who addictively daydreams about my future, it can be difficult to take the time to seriously reflect on the past.  Since today marks my one year anniversary of living in Los Angeles, it feels fitting to visit this topic for a bit.  So, just for some fun and reflection, here are some of the things I've experienced this past year:

Starting this blog / being more in debt than ever before / long-term unemployment / working at a water park with mostly high schoolers who thought I was their age / working as a brand ambassador / being a paid audience member for some game shows / working with a non-profit organization / being indecently exposed to on my walk to the bus / being serenaded by a man with a guitar named Smiles on my walk home from the bus / seeing a man almost pull his gun out on someone in a car directly in front of me / trying new foods such as falafel, baklava and grilled plantain / helping a directing class at USC by acting in a scene / singing a couple of lines in Mandarin for a Vivo commercial / playing Annie Hall in a student scene at Loyola Marymount University & randomly seeing Billy Bob Thornton standing outside while I was going over lines / attending several screenings and Q&A's at the SAG Foundation / attending the screening and Q&A for the season finale of Gotham / meeting actress Bellamy Young (Mellie from Scandal) / meeting actor Dennis Haskins (Mr. Belding from Saved by the Bell) / attending Peter Jackson's Hollywood Walk of Fame ceremony / attending a vegan cookbook signing party at Russell Simmons' house / karaoke / attending several industry meet-ups and parties / volunteering at the Beverly Hills Shorts Festival and conducting a couple of the Q&A sessions / riding a train / seeing the Pacific Ocean / reading The Hobbit / hiking to the Griffith Observatory at Griffith Park / seeing the Hollywood sign several times / having my first Skype audition / auditing several acting classes / writing lyrics for a song / writing a short comedic script / writing my first spec script / attending a poetry reading / standing on my first "red carpet"

There are reasons to look back just as there are reasons not to.  We obviously don't want to dwell on the past in the form of regret.  Everything in our past happens for reasons that we may never come to know or understand.  I want to bring up two reasons why you should reflect on the past: 1) To evaluate what worked/didn't work when it comes to planning what you want for the future 2) To appreciate how far you've come/how much you've accomplished.  Think about this one.  How can you appreciate your future accomplishments if you didn't think back to your past accomplishments and learn to appreciate those first?  Some of the most "successful" people out there are never happy because they're always looking ahead at the things they don't have or the things they haven't accomplished and never take the time to be grateful for what they do have and what they have accomplished already.  If you feel for some reason that you haven't accomplished anything, don't beat yourself up.  You probably have accomplished something and just don't realize it, but either way, you can always benefit from reason #1 - what worked/didn't work.

Armed with reasons why you should look back, you now need to analyze what you're specifically looking for.  Was there a specific time when you "fell off the wagon"?  What was going on in your life around this time?  Was a particular person always there when things started to slide downhill?  Were they a part of the problem or were they always there to pick you back up?  Look for patterns and traps to avoid.  When you feel yourself entering familiar territory, think back to how things turned out before and why they turned out that way.

There was a time very recently in which my life took a downturn.  I was starting to feel hopeless that the career I've been pursing for such a long time would ever come to fruition.  While feeling hopeless is a horrible and dangerous place to be, the good news is that I was pretty sure I knew the reason for it and I had faith that it was just a phase.  That's the irony: I had hope that I wouldn't always feel hopeless.  It's interesting that as I'm writing this, I had to change it to past tense.  I had jotted down notes for this blog of when I was presently feeling hopeless, but sure enough, I made it through that bitter phase before this will even be published.  Whenever you find yourself in that kind of dark place, give yourself the peace of mind of always believing that it's just a phase - that "this too shall pass."

When along for the ride and you come across a speed bump in the road, think back to how you overcame it before and use that knowledge to keep sailing forward on the journey that is your life.

Dream

"Where do you see yourself in ten years?"  This famous question has always seemed to leave a bad taste in my mouth.  Perhaps because I struggled with how to answer it - especially as a freshman in high school when I was asked it.  The assignment was to 'simply' write out the answer to the question on paper.  I remember as early as middle school, and part of my answer to that assignment my freshman year, was that I wanted to be a 'movie writer' (as I called it back then).  My mind has went in several different directions since then too.  If only I knew what I wanted early on... I mean, unfalteringly, undoubtedly, knew what I wanted... well, it seems like life would be much easier.  For a lot of us though, the world is this huge place with unlimited possibilities, making it difficult to choose just one path to focus on.  I think this is what lead me to want to be an actor - well, at least that's what I want today.  As an actor, you can fill the shoes of multiple personalities who do multiple different things.  It's like being able to try on all kinds of different hats instead of deciding on just one hat.  When indecisive, just be an actor, right?

In order to get what you want, you first have to know what you want.  And be specific.  Throughout your life, you are going to be faced with all kinds of decisions.  If you know specifically what direction you want your life to go, if it's always at least in the back of your mind, the decisions you're constantly faced with will be made in service toward getting what you want.  Let's say that I want to spearhead my own business.  The books I read, events I attend, the people I meet, the things I invest my time and money in, etc. - all these decisions are going to be easier to make because I'm going to automatically know to choose what will eventually and collectively, help me start my own business.  The more specific and clear your dream is, the better - and don't be afraid to dream big!

What if you're not sure of what you want?  Or you're not sure of what it is you specifically want?  Maybe you know you want to start your own business, but you're not sure what kind of business.  You at least know that you can be gaining some business knowledge and studying successful entrepreneurs.  To figure out the specifics on what kind of business you want, start by listing the things you're interested in and explore them a little further.  Interested in photography?  Take a class, interview a working photographer, read up on what skills you would need to acquire, and just try it out and see if it 'clicks' (Get it?).  You can try this with several things you're already interested in to see if you can find the one thing that excites you the most or that you're passionate about.  Maybe even after all this, you realize you're equally passionate about more than one thing.  You're likely to learn something about yourself and your likes/dislikes during this process. 

The older I get, the clearer of what I want for my future gets - but I'm still discovering.  If you're like me and still in this phase of discovery, that's okay.  Enjoy it.  Enjoy the journey.  I've started my list of things I'm interested in and I'm always looking to expand my knowledge on the things I care about.  It's one thing to believe in your dreams, but you've got to have a dream in order to believe in it.  What's keeping you from getting what you want?  Are you addicted to the honeymoon phase of new ideas, always craving to start something new but struggle with the follow-through?  You're already along for the ride to somewhere, but did you remember to bring a map, one that will lead you to where you want to go?  Perhaps you can start by asking yourself that dreaded question, "Where do you see yourself in ten years?" and pave the way from there.  Remember though, life is a journey and things don't always go the way we plan or imagine they will, but having a dream gives you a purpose, fulfillment and some control over your life.  Let's get crystal clear on what kind of lives we want for ourselves and remember: dream, believe, achieve!



"You see things; and you say 'Why?' But I dream things that never were; and say 'Why not?'” - George Bernard Shaw

'The Gift of Hope' or 'Believe'

If you're like me, learning to live in the present can be challenging when you're always planning for and/or worrying about the future.  Setting goals are great and a lot of people are doing just that, particularly around this time of year.  While it's important not to get so caught up in your future that you forget to live in the present, there is something you can do for your future right now and that is to have hope.   

I recall reading something recently that explains how we can sometimes view our future selves, as separate from our present selves.  This can be dangerous when we pile on all the things we say we're going to do onto our future selves.  Instead of expecting future you to quit smoking, be 10 pounds lighter, fluent in another language, or whatever your goals may be, you may need to think of it as letting your present self carry some of the weight and be accountable.  In other words, what are you doing now to help you reach your goals?  Once you know what your goals are, the next step is to believe that you can achieve them.  Think of it in this order: Step 1: Dream.  Step 2: Believe.  Step 3: Achieve.

Have you heard the phrase, "You don't get what you want, you get what you believe"?  I think there's real power in believing.  If we truly have hope in or for something, it seems that we would never really worry about it; there would be nothing to worry about because we truly believe that everything will work out, will be okay, or will happen for us.  Hope is simply the expectation of something desired and when you expect something to happen, it's the same as saying you believe it will happen.

When negative thoughts arise about whether or not you'll "make it" to where you want to be or wonder if you'll attain certain success, it's important to shut it off immediately and not allow your mind to indulge in that way of thinking.  The more we dwell on how things will turn out for us, the more likely we'll come to believe it.  It takes practice and self awareness when it comes to training your mind to stay optimistic, but when you do, all that mental work will pay off when what you believe in, what you hope for, will begin to manifest. 

During the midst of all the gift-giving from the holiday season, did you happen to give yourself something?  While you're along for the ride, give yourself the gift of hope - a gift that will certainly be of value on your journey.