It was an ethereal experience waking up to that song the other morning - a song that has since then become muffled in my memory. It was like waking up to a dream, if you can imagine the irony. A couple of men have been remodeling in the apartment directly below mine and every morning for weeks now they've disturbed me with their buzz sawing and banging and loud music. As irritating as it has been, I was grateful to wake up to that particular song, a song I had never heard before and have never heard again since. I like to think of each moment like that song - rare and beautiful.
Times are tough. Financially speaking, I'm worse off than I've ever been. I have a little notebook filled with 75+ jobs I've applied to since about February and only 4 of them have actually called me in for an interview. Not only can this be disheartening, you'd think that the longer I go without work the more worried I'd get about running out of money and although I do occasionally go through stretches of feeling that way, life will soon enough lift me up. For instance, although I'm still trying to get consistent work, I did land a temp job at a water park and have gotten the occasional weekend promo job. Nothing to be able to live off of for very long, but I am grateful of the opportunities that I have received. Unemployment has also given me the time to discover and work at the things that bring me joy (writing this blog for instance). They say that, "Good things come to those who wait," but if I were to revise that quote it would say something like, "Good things come to those who wait patiently but set goals and work diligently on those goals in the meantime." So maybe it doesn't roll off the tongue, but my point is that if we're focused on what we can do here, right now, we will be doing so much more for our future than if we were always so results oriented.
I thought it was important to reflect on what I'm grateful for today during a time when I'm struggling because it's so much easier to be grateful when you just get a promotion, a bonus, an award, a new car or house, you know, the milestones that people typically celebrate and acknowledge. If you don't learn to be grateful for the little victories along the way of your journey, what makes you think you'll appreciate the "big" ones? You'd probably just keep looking for the next thing because you've conditioned yourself to always look ahead instead of what's in front of you.
We stop living in regret from the past and longing for the future when we begin to appreciate the here and now. Be present in your life and aware of the gifts it gives you. When you're along for the ride, instead of asking, "are we there yet?" just try being grateful of where you are now.
Thursday, October 23, 2014
Wednesday, September 24, 2014
Influence
I'll admit, I can be somewhat of a chameleon when it comes to being around certain people. I will pick up on their cues and adapt to their personality accordingly. For example, I act a bit differently when I'm around my friend versus when I'm around my grandfather. I'm sure there are some of you who can relate. I think this is due to our inner desire to want to be liked. Even those who want to be known for not caring what other people think want people to think about them in that light-as someone cool, laid back, a little rebellious or whatever. I also think I can safely say that most of us prefer to avoid conflict. We would rather put ourselves in the other person's shoes and perhaps even mold our own point of views rather than be so quick to negate them in any way. We would rather say, "Hmmm, yeah, I can see where you're coming from" than to say, "No, I completely disagree". We think it's easier to get along with someone that way.
So, does altering our personality a bit depending on who we're around because we want to be liked and want to avoid conflict, a bad thing? I know that for me, it is subconscious meaning that I don't purposefully act differently around certain people. I just think that the people we're with bring out a certain side to ourselves. So it can't be a bad thing if we're just being ourselves. Personality is a complex thing. It is multidimensional. It's made up of lots of random parts that when put together, make up you. No two personalities are alike, not ever exactly. We all cross paths with different people and experience different things, externally and internally. This is the reason why whenever someone asks me to tell them a little bit about myself, I am somewhat dumbfounded. It's like I don't know where to begin. How can I possibly recollect and then choose which parts of me are more worthy to tell among the others? Then I usually just tell the person my stats (where I'm from, where I went to college, where I moved to, my marital status, etc.) because it's easier to say that than to say who I am. (I know, I need to work on this.)
In order to remain true to ourselves, it's important not to confuse mimicking someone as borrowing from them. When I was little, I wanted to be just like my cousin. Not just like her, but I think I wanted to be her and live the life she had. I bought the same clothes she had, listened to the same music she did, cut my hair the same as hers and even tried to make my voice sound like hers. This is obviously an example of mimicking someone and an unhealthy way to live. Thankfully, somewhere along the line, I broke away from all of that and became my own person. Looking at us today you can obviously tell that we are two very different people with different interests. We still have a lot of things in common too though. Despite growing up and finding my own place in the world, my cousin still influenced me and plays an important role in the development of the person I became.
The people in our lives influence us so much whether we realize it or not. That's why it's so important to let the right people in. I am recently coming to the hard realization that sometimes this means it's best to cut ties with some of the people in your life, even if you've known them for a long time. I do believe in being there for someone who needs you if they reach out to you, but maybe you need to stop reaching out to them.... Just know that negative people will project a negative influence on you and positive people will project a positive influence. Quality over quantity is key when it comes to relationships.
Ask yourself what kind of person you want to be and then align your life accordingly. Start with looking at the people closest to you and the role they play in your life. Also, take a look at yourself. Are you projecting a positive influence on others? Who are you letting yourself become? Are you along for the ride as the person you want to be? You are in control of who you are and who you'll become. Stay true to yourself and you won't be led astray.
So, does altering our personality a bit depending on who we're around because we want to be liked and want to avoid conflict, a bad thing? I know that for me, it is subconscious meaning that I don't purposefully act differently around certain people. I just think that the people we're with bring out a certain side to ourselves. So it can't be a bad thing if we're just being ourselves. Personality is a complex thing. It is multidimensional. It's made up of lots of random parts that when put together, make up you. No two personalities are alike, not ever exactly. We all cross paths with different people and experience different things, externally and internally. This is the reason why whenever someone asks me to tell them a little bit about myself, I am somewhat dumbfounded. It's like I don't know where to begin. How can I possibly recollect and then choose which parts of me are more worthy to tell among the others? Then I usually just tell the person my stats (where I'm from, where I went to college, where I moved to, my marital status, etc.) because it's easier to say that than to say who I am. (I know, I need to work on this.)
In order to remain true to ourselves, it's important not to confuse mimicking someone as borrowing from them. When I was little, I wanted to be just like my cousin. Not just like her, but I think I wanted to be her and live the life she had. I bought the same clothes she had, listened to the same music she did, cut my hair the same as hers and even tried to make my voice sound like hers. This is obviously an example of mimicking someone and an unhealthy way to live. Thankfully, somewhere along the line, I broke away from all of that and became my own person. Looking at us today you can obviously tell that we are two very different people with different interests. We still have a lot of things in common too though. Despite growing up and finding my own place in the world, my cousin still influenced me and plays an important role in the development of the person I became.
The people in our lives influence us so much whether we realize it or not. That's why it's so important to let the right people in. I am recently coming to the hard realization that sometimes this means it's best to cut ties with some of the people in your life, even if you've known them for a long time. I do believe in being there for someone who needs you if they reach out to you, but maybe you need to stop reaching out to them.... Just know that negative people will project a negative influence on you and positive people will project a positive influence. Quality over quantity is key when it comes to relationships.
Ask yourself what kind of person you want to be and then align your life accordingly. Start with looking at the people closest to you and the role they play in your life. Also, take a look at yourself. Are you projecting a positive influence on others? Who are you letting yourself become? Are you along for the ride as the person you want to be? You are in control of who you are and who you'll become. Stay true to yourself and you won't be led astray.
Monday, August 11, 2014
Perspective
I could have died on more than one occasion that day. The first instance was when I was on my way home from a job interview. While at a stop sign waiting for traffic to clear so that I could make a left hand turn, I noticed I was slowly rolling forward toward the moving cars. I already had my break pedal pressed to the floor as far as it could go, but my car rolled forward anyway, despite my attempt to stop it. My instinct was to immediately turn the car to the right instead, pull to the side of the road and use my emergency break.
Blessing #1: Despite my breaks failing, I, nor anyone else for that matter, got hurt. Now, just so you know what you're about to get into, I'm giving you a heads up that this is one of those, "it's what you make of it, through the eye of the beholder, seeing the glass half empty versus half full" kind of message - in essence.
I decided to play it safe and call road side assistance to have my car towed to a shop. The truck arrived surprisingly quick. I was given an ice cold bottle of water and waited in the nice air conditioned cab while my car was being hooked up. Now, you have to realize that this is Los Angeles in July during a drought and I had been denied the privilege of having air conditioning in my apartment (Long story.). The air in this tow truck was great so I couldn't really find anything to complain about there. Through my AAA membership, I get 7 miles of free towing. Distance to the shop: 7 miles. So I got free towing too. Things could be worse.
Total wait time for my car to be fixed was around three hours. The battery on my phone was very low so I decided not to use it in case I had trouble and needed it on the way home. This forced me to be patient and present; no luxury of talking or texting anyone to help pass the time.
Lucky for me, I was feeling patient and optimistic that day. No matter who you are though, this can change in an instant-and it did-but I'll get to that later. The office at the garage had big windows and a great view of the mountains. After about an hour of patiently gazing around, I realized I hadn't eaten anything in a while so I ventured across the street to this hole-in-the-wall of a deli. I had a mean pastrami sandwich with leftovers to boot. When I decided to head back to the garage, I decided to help myself to one of those free frappucino drinks they had available in their cooler. I had been craving coffee all day so this really hit the spot. I took my drink and went for a walk down the street. I really missed that; just being able to take a walk, enjoy the views and clear my head. It's not safe enough to really do this around the neighborhood where I live now so it was nice to go for a walk again and feel safe.
It would be ideal to just kind of wrap things up here, to tell you to always look on the bright side of things and that if you look for it, things aren't as bad as they seem. I do think this is important, so I don't want to dismiss it entirely. I could have easily complained and felt miserable during this whole process. I mean, I had to tow my car, I had to wait at least three hours for them to fix it, it cost me pretty penny, I couldn't really use my phone, I didn't bring a book to read, etc., etc... The point is, I could have just sat and pouted, but I found things to be grateful for. Now remember how I said things could change in an instant? Let me tell you about the ride home...
Once I took my exit to go home, I decided to make a detour to the grocery store. I waited at one of the stop lights and there was this old, green car directly in front of me. Two guys from off the street approached this car. One of them reached inside the car and started hitting the guy who was sitting in the passenger seat. The driver gets out and him and these guys start pushing each other around. One of the guys from off the street then lifts his shirt to reveal his gun as a threat to the driver. A girl enters the scene and manages to convince the guys from the street to "let it go" and the driver gets back in his car and the whole situation is then alleviated.
...In a strange way I am reminded of the time I was recently the first car stopped for a parade on Hollywood Boulevard. I had a front row seat and although I was stopped against my will and would then be late for a class, I made the most of it and just sat back and enjoyed the parade as it passed by me... This however, wasn't quite the same; I didn't want a front row seat to this show.
Once upon a time, as in only about two and a half months ago, this kind of thing wasn't normal for me. I admit, my life has been a bit sheltered, so when I see someone with a gun with the intention of hurting someone else with it, I was a little shaken. In the moment though, I wasn't scared at all. That's the strange part. My initial reaction was to lock my doors and slide down low in my seat. It wasn't something I consciously thought about, I was just on "autopilot". Once the near gang fight - or whatever that was - dispersed and I drove away, then the realization of what just happened is when I got scared.
That's not quite everything that went south that evening. After I got my groceries I was at another stop light. After sitting there a while, my break pedal sank all the way down and once it was floored, my car began to roll toward the other car in front of me. I pumped the breaks a little and this stopped the car long enough to buy me a little more time. Luckily, the light turned green shortly after and at the end a long day, I managed to make it home alive.
I had to go back to the shop the next day and spend twice as much money to fix the "real problem" with my breaks. Although I took a hit financially, I am grateful I didn't get hurt or hurt anyone else. Thinking back to when I was stopped behind that green car for all that time, I find it a miracle that my car didn't decide to roll forward then. Would if it did and I hit that car? Would if I almost hit the guy with the gun and he decided to retaliate and turn it on me? The events of that day instilled a bit of extra paranoia, but with a small cocktail to calm the nerves and just "sleeping it off", I think I am myself again. Then again, I think experiencing certain things throughout our lives does change who we are, just a little. After all this, I almost forgot that at the job interview I was hired on the spot. After months of struggling to get work, I finally had a job!
Around the time this all took place I had listened to a sermon from my preacher back in Kentucky (since I can no longer attend my church in person, I get the sermons sent to my inbox). He always gives a thought for the week and it was this: "Practice being a Christian this week. God will give you the opportunity to practice, it's up to you to do the practicing." I feel this applies perfectly. When we're put in difficult situations, it can be tough to view them as opportunities, but they are. They're a test of character. How you deal with a tough situation is what really matters. The beautiful thing is that we can continue to practice, meaning that difficult situations will continue to arise but we can improve with how we deal with it each time. I have had practice over the years and am learning to be more patient. I thought I did well at first, but then life threw a curve ball and challenged me in a new way. Next time you're dealing with an unpleasant situation, I challenge you to practice looking at it in a new light. For every bad thing, try coming up with something you're grateful for. Sometimes when you're along for the ride you need to stop and evaluate how you're viewing the world. So make sure your breaks work!
Blessing #1: Despite my breaks failing, I, nor anyone else for that matter, got hurt. Now, just so you know what you're about to get into, I'm giving you a heads up that this is one of those, "it's what you make of it, through the eye of the beholder, seeing the glass half empty versus half full" kind of message - in essence.
I decided to play it safe and call road side assistance to have my car towed to a shop. The truck arrived surprisingly quick. I was given an ice cold bottle of water and waited in the nice air conditioned cab while my car was being hooked up. Now, you have to realize that this is Los Angeles in July during a drought and I had been denied the privilege of having air conditioning in my apartment (Long story.). The air in this tow truck was great so I couldn't really find anything to complain about there. Through my AAA membership, I get 7 miles of free towing. Distance to the shop: 7 miles. So I got free towing too. Things could be worse.
Total wait time for my car to be fixed was around three hours. The battery on my phone was very low so I decided not to use it in case I had trouble and needed it on the way home. This forced me to be patient and present; no luxury of talking or texting anyone to help pass the time.
Lucky for me, I was feeling patient and optimistic that day. No matter who you are though, this can change in an instant-and it did-but I'll get to that later. The office at the garage had big windows and a great view of the mountains. After about an hour of patiently gazing around, I realized I hadn't eaten anything in a while so I ventured across the street to this hole-in-the-wall of a deli. I had a mean pastrami sandwich with leftovers to boot. When I decided to head back to the garage, I decided to help myself to one of those free frappucino drinks they had available in their cooler. I had been craving coffee all day so this really hit the spot. I took my drink and went for a walk down the street. I really missed that; just being able to take a walk, enjoy the views and clear my head. It's not safe enough to really do this around the neighborhood where I live now so it was nice to go for a walk again and feel safe.
It would be ideal to just kind of wrap things up here, to tell you to always look on the bright side of things and that if you look for it, things aren't as bad as they seem. I do think this is important, so I don't want to dismiss it entirely. I could have easily complained and felt miserable during this whole process. I mean, I had to tow my car, I had to wait at least three hours for them to fix it, it cost me pretty penny, I couldn't really use my phone, I didn't bring a book to read, etc., etc... The point is, I could have just sat and pouted, but I found things to be grateful for. Now remember how I said things could change in an instant? Let me tell you about the ride home...
Once I took my exit to go home, I decided to make a detour to the grocery store. I waited at one of the stop lights and there was this old, green car directly in front of me. Two guys from off the street approached this car. One of them reached inside the car and started hitting the guy who was sitting in the passenger seat. The driver gets out and him and these guys start pushing each other around. One of the guys from off the street then lifts his shirt to reveal his gun as a threat to the driver. A girl enters the scene and manages to convince the guys from the street to "let it go" and the driver gets back in his car and the whole situation is then alleviated.
...In a strange way I am reminded of the time I was recently the first car stopped for a parade on Hollywood Boulevard. I had a front row seat and although I was stopped against my will and would then be late for a class, I made the most of it and just sat back and enjoyed the parade as it passed by me... This however, wasn't quite the same; I didn't want a front row seat to this show.
Once upon a time, as in only about two and a half months ago, this kind of thing wasn't normal for me. I admit, my life has been a bit sheltered, so when I see someone with a gun with the intention of hurting someone else with it, I was a little shaken. In the moment though, I wasn't scared at all. That's the strange part. My initial reaction was to lock my doors and slide down low in my seat. It wasn't something I consciously thought about, I was just on "autopilot". Once the near gang fight - or whatever that was - dispersed and I drove away, then the realization of what just happened is when I got scared.
That's not quite everything that went south that evening. After I got my groceries I was at another stop light. After sitting there a while, my break pedal sank all the way down and once it was floored, my car began to roll toward the other car in front of me. I pumped the breaks a little and this stopped the car long enough to buy me a little more time. Luckily, the light turned green shortly after and at the end a long day, I managed to make it home alive.
I had to go back to the shop the next day and spend twice as much money to fix the "real problem" with my breaks. Although I took a hit financially, I am grateful I didn't get hurt or hurt anyone else. Thinking back to when I was stopped behind that green car for all that time, I find it a miracle that my car didn't decide to roll forward then. Would if it did and I hit that car? Would if I almost hit the guy with the gun and he decided to retaliate and turn it on me? The events of that day instilled a bit of extra paranoia, but with a small cocktail to calm the nerves and just "sleeping it off", I think I am myself again. Then again, I think experiencing certain things throughout our lives does change who we are, just a little. After all this, I almost forgot that at the job interview I was hired on the spot. After months of struggling to get work, I finally had a job!
Around the time this all took place I had listened to a sermon from my preacher back in Kentucky (since I can no longer attend my church in person, I get the sermons sent to my inbox). He always gives a thought for the week and it was this: "Practice being a Christian this week. God will give you the opportunity to practice, it's up to you to do the practicing." I feel this applies perfectly. When we're put in difficult situations, it can be tough to view them as opportunities, but they are. They're a test of character. How you deal with a tough situation is what really matters. The beautiful thing is that we can continue to practice, meaning that difficult situations will continue to arise but we can improve with how we deal with it each time. I have had practice over the years and am learning to be more patient. I thought I did well at first, but then life threw a curve ball and challenged me in a new way. Next time you're dealing with an unpleasant situation, I challenge you to practice looking at it in a new light. For every bad thing, try coming up with something you're grateful for. Sometimes when you're along for the ride you need to stop and evaluate how you're viewing the world. So make sure your breaks work!
Monday, July 28, 2014
The Value of Sacrifices
I have these dreams, BIG dreams of what I want to do for a living. I'm tired of dragging my butt day in and day out to a place where I don't want to be. I've had a variety of different jobs over the years: car detailer, cashier, costume shop assistant, cook, server, teacher, front desk attendant, accountant... and I'm constantly job hunting and thinking to myself as I drive past businesses, "I wonder what it's like to work there?" The trouble is, I can't imagine working at ANY of these jobs for years and years until I retire. If I could imagine it, I suppose I would just pick a company and stay put as I climb the corporate ladder; I mean, I think my life would be a lot easier that way.
The way I see it, (assuming you work a typical 8 hour day/5 days a week) you spend about 1/3 of your day working, 1/3 sleeping, and 1/3 (plus weekends) doing whatever else it is that you do. One third of you day, for five whole days, every week until you retire... that takes up a huge chunk of your life. I don't want to spend all that time being miserable, I want to spend it being happy and that is why it is so important to do something you love. I believe that that something is worth fighting for.
For me, that something is acting. Perfect. I just have to want one of the most competitive career paths out there. Great. So naturally, I decided to move to the most competitive acting market - Los Angeles. At least I never fooled myself into thinking this was going to be easy.
I'm married and I currently live alone. This has to be the hardest sacrifice that me and my husband has made. After finally finding an apartment (a crappy one turns out, but a roof over my head nonetheless) and moving across the country, we unloaded the moving truck and the next day my husband was on a flight back to Kentucky. He went back to his job so that he could keep earning that paycheck to support my BIG dreams.
One day I was on the phone with my brother talking about how hard it is being apart from my husband when he said this one word: "Choice." It stuck with me. He meant that it was my choice to be in this situation. I chose to come to LA before my husband had a job lined up out here. I deserve no pity.
We're both trying to get work so that we can be reunited once again (awww!). If he would have quit his job and moved out here before either of us gets work lined up, we'd be taking the risk of running out of money and having to move back home and that would be a huge setback to try to build up funds and start all over again. In case you haven't heard, LA is expensive. It's also where most film and television job opportunities are so here I am.
Alone.
We were apart for almost two months until I received the good news that he was coming to see me for our 5th year anniversary weekend. I got the phone call on the train ride back to LA from my sister's during the 4th of July weekend. You can read about my adventures from that trip in my last blog, Hidden Pathways.
"Really?" That was my reaction to the news and after he said yes, as if I didn't believe him the first time - in case he was joking, I asked again, "Really?!" I guess in my mind, two yeses equal the confirmed truth because I noticed that this was my similar reaction when he asked me to marry him - two reallys? followed by a yes!
"Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up the other; but woe to one who is alone and falls and does not have another to help." Ecclesiastes 3:1.
I decided that I needed to be one hundred percent present in each moment I was with him because honestly, I wasn't sure when I'd get to see him again after that weekend. I found myself studying his face, wanting to get up the same time as him in the mornings, helping him out in the kitchen when he cooked for me; I'd look over to him and think, "He's here, not for too long but right now in this moment, he's here."
We agreed. Being sad about him leaving is better than him not coming at all. How many of us avoid situations or push people away because we're afraid of getting hurt? I cried all the way home that day after I dropped him off at the airport but each one of those tears was worth it; it was worth the time I got to spend with my husband. Always choose to let love in. Don't assume you'll get another chance down the road because you might not. If you get hurt in the process, just know that wounds will heal, so why not take that chance? Who will you let come along for the ride with you?
I hope that you choose to fight for your happiness instead of settling for the easy route. Know that this means there will be hardships along the way and sacrifices to be made, but with a strong will to succeed and the vulnerability to lean on a shoulder when you need to, you can achieve anything.
The way I see it, (assuming you work a typical 8 hour day/5 days a week) you spend about 1/3 of your day working, 1/3 sleeping, and 1/3 (plus weekends) doing whatever else it is that you do. One third of you day, for five whole days, every week until you retire... that takes up a huge chunk of your life. I don't want to spend all that time being miserable, I want to spend it being happy and that is why it is so important to do something you love. I believe that that something is worth fighting for.
For me, that something is acting. Perfect. I just have to want one of the most competitive career paths out there. Great. So naturally, I decided to move to the most competitive acting market - Los Angeles. At least I never fooled myself into thinking this was going to be easy.
I'm married and I currently live alone. This has to be the hardest sacrifice that me and my husband has made. After finally finding an apartment (a crappy one turns out, but a roof over my head nonetheless) and moving across the country, we unloaded the moving truck and the next day my husband was on a flight back to Kentucky. He went back to his job so that he could keep earning that paycheck to support my BIG dreams.
One day I was on the phone with my brother talking about how hard it is being apart from my husband when he said this one word: "Choice." It stuck with me. He meant that it was my choice to be in this situation. I chose to come to LA before my husband had a job lined up out here. I deserve no pity.
We're both trying to get work so that we can be reunited once again (awww!). If he would have quit his job and moved out here before either of us gets work lined up, we'd be taking the risk of running out of money and having to move back home and that would be a huge setback to try to build up funds and start all over again. In case you haven't heard, LA is expensive. It's also where most film and television job opportunities are so here I am.
Alone.
We were apart for almost two months until I received the good news that he was coming to see me for our 5th year anniversary weekend. I got the phone call on the train ride back to LA from my sister's during the 4th of July weekend. You can read about my adventures from that trip in my last blog, Hidden Pathways.
"Really?" That was my reaction to the news and after he said yes, as if I didn't believe him the first time - in case he was joking, I asked again, "Really?!" I guess in my mind, two yeses equal the confirmed truth because I noticed that this was my similar reaction when he asked me to marry him - two reallys? followed by a yes!
"Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up the other; but woe to one who is alone and falls and does not have another to help." Ecclesiastes 3:1.
I decided that I needed to be one hundred percent present in each moment I was with him because honestly, I wasn't sure when I'd get to see him again after that weekend. I found myself studying his face, wanting to get up the same time as him in the mornings, helping him out in the kitchen when he cooked for me; I'd look over to him and think, "He's here, not for too long but right now in this moment, he's here."
We agreed. Being sad about him leaving is better than him not coming at all. How many of us avoid situations or push people away because we're afraid of getting hurt? I cried all the way home that day after I dropped him off at the airport but each one of those tears was worth it; it was worth the time I got to spend with my husband. Always choose to let love in. Don't assume you'll get another chance down the road because you might not. If you get hurt in the process, just know that wounds will heal, so why not take that chance? Who will you let come along for the ride with you?
I hope that you choose to fight for your happiness instead of settling for the easy route. Know that this means there will be hardships along the way and sacrifices to be made, but with a strong will to succeed and the vulnerability to lean on a shoulder when you need to, you can achieve anything.
Tuesday, July 8, 2014
Hidden Pathways
Once I coasted past the horrific display of that poor, bloated, dead dog lying on the tracks and the miles of concrete walls painted up by - whom I could only speculate to be - gang members and other hooligans, my first experience riding the train was somewhat delightful. I was assigned a window seat, which is usually preferred by most, especially by gazers such as myself. As I sat up alert in my seat looking at the Pacific Ocean for the first time, I felt like a kid again, witnessing a magical moment. I was proud to feel so naive and I wouldn't have traded places with anyone who has already seen it before. When the sun hit the water in just the right way, it looked like a field of glitter. I saw beautiful mountain ranges, lakes, farmland and even sand dunes. Although I'm not as descriptive here, just know that these landmarks were just as breathtaking.
My sister had invited me to her place in Sunnyvale for the Fourth of July weekend, so I took the train from Union Terminal at LAX to the station in San Jose where she and my brother-in-law picked me up. Their apartment complex was something to be envied. There were plenty of grassy areas, trees, walkways that lead to outdoor grills, the pool and the hot tub. There was covered parking, a workout facility and my sister had the thing I admired most - her own private balcony/patio. It may not be much, I wouldn't call it living in luxury, but as someone who achieves zen most frequently by being outside among nature, it was definitely something special. Since moving to Los Angeles almost two months ago, I have been cooped up in a very small space. For my own safety I don't go outside unless it's to my car, the dumpster, the mailbox, or the laundry room and even then it's usually during the day. It's a rough neighborhood. Low-income areas usually mean higher crime rate. I try not to judge people, but I stay hidden inside because homeless people who live right by where I park my car, neighbors knocking on my door at night asking for money, and the frequent sirens and gun shot noises I hear lead me to assume the worst about the area where I live. I miss being able to take a walk on a beautiful day to clear my head. I'm not so sure if the reason I don't walk around here is because I'm afraid or if it's because my family worries so much about me living out here on my own. Maybe I should be more scared but I think I'm over cautious for my family's sake rather than my own. Anyway, my sister's place was heaven in comparison.
We had a great weekend. It's nice knowing that I have family only a short day's worth of travel away. We had a potluck by the pool, met the neighbors, toured San Francisco on one of those double-decker buses, participated in a morning yoga class, went out for wine-tasting at a couple of winery's, tried new foods like felafels and Persian food and walked down the hip, Murphy Street in Sunnyvale for some ridiculously good ice cream from Tutti Frutti's. While all this and spending time with family was the best part of the trip, the most important discovery about life was yet to come - on the train back to LA.
I can't exactly say that it felt like I was going "home." It felt more like I was going to a rest stop in which I have to pay a lot of money to use it's facilities and to keep all of my stuff there; never quite feeling settled because I know I still have a long way to go. If you remember all the pretty things I said about the train ride to San Jose, reverse that description and it will be similar to what the train ride back to LA was like, at least at first. I was assigned an isle seat. Not a big deal, but the huge bag that looked as if a human body stuffed inside occupying that seat was a bit irritating. Reluctantly, because my seat mate was no where to be seen, I moved the bag over to his seat. Now that I had a place to sit, I took in the explosive mess that surrounded me. The little folding table in front of my seat was out and this mystery person's crap was strung out all over it. Trying to be polite and not knowing how this person would feel if I continued to touch his things, I left it alone. Again, I try not to judge people, but I inadvertently do make assumptions and I assumed this person was male and one of those hoarder type people who was inconsiderate of other people's personal space. How dare he! On top of it all, and this is the worst part, his bag that I had to sit next to reeked of B.O. I've never even met the guy and already I couldn't stand him.
The smell got bad. Real bad. It gave me a bit of a headache. No employee was anywhere to be found for a long time and when the dinning car reservation guy came around, I tried to ask him to get someone to help me change seats. He made it clear he couldn't help me. Douche. Anyway, I stole an empty seat for a few minutes of fresh air until new passengers boarded and were assigned exactly where I was sitting. I went downstairs to where the main doors were and stood there for an hour and a half. If I was one to reason with, I suppose I should have ventured off to find the lounge area. Maybe I was being stubborn and trying to make a point, but this tactic obviously did no good. I was fully prepared to stand there and pout for 8 hours. A strange guy acknowledged me by asking what I was doing there and I quickly replied that I was just taking in the sights. Why are we so quick to lie sometimes? I suppose it was a good thing I didn't tell him the real reason - my seat mate's stuff stinks to high heavens - because shortly after when I went back to my seat, there he was. The guy who seemed concerned of my well being was the same guy who was causing me so much misery.
Of course he had to be nice. Just when you make up your mind about someone, they surprise you in such a way that makes you feel like a jerk for thinking less of them to begin with. He proceeded to move his bag and the rest of his stuff out of my way and you know, after that, the smell almost completely went away. It was a miracle! I could breathe and would be able to sit in my seat like a good girl for the remainder of the trip instead of throwing a mini tantrum with myself. Something to know about my seat mate; he's a talker. He's the kind of person who likes to meet new people and engage them. I can be a bit introverted and can feel a little uncomfortable sometimes talking about myself so I imagined I was somewhat of a challenge for him. It turned out that he was backpacking across the United States for the summer until he had to go back to school where he was studying to be a chemical engineer. He was a little over half way through his trip. Could this be the explanation for the smell? Has he not had a chance to do laundry? Regardless, I couldn't help but respect his pursuit of adventure and the courage it must take to go somewhere on the fly without preplanning it. I had become the only person he knew that lives in Los Angeles. I don't think I'm an accurate representation of what most people who live in LA are like, so I hope I didn't mislead him. As he was headed there, he had no idea where he was going to stay. He would just shrug and say that he would figure it out. We didn't make sense as you're stereotypical human beings. I'm the somewhat socially challenged type A actress and he was the deep thinking, existentialist engineer. A perfect hodgepodge of left and right brain thinkers.
We have to be slow to anger. This is something I am constantly working on. Instead of being stubborn and stuck in our own way, why not be open to life's little gifts? When life gives you lemons, make lemonade or if that affirmation is too corny for you, come up with one of your own that means the same. Sometimes it's well worth it to give someone the benefit of the doubt. When I met my neighbors, I didn't feel very trusting of them because of the roughness of the neighborhood and the fact that I'm still pretty new in town and don't know them very well yet. I did my best to give them the benefit of the doubt. One of my neighbors turned out to be the type of person who will only help you because he feels that he can use that as leverage when he knocks on your door at night asking for money. "Remember that time I helped you?" He used that line on me more than once and although I accepted his help in the past, I have never asked him for it. On the other hand, a different neighbor pleasantly surprises me in that he remembers my name, always says "hi" and even asked how I like it here. I shouldn't have been so judgmental of the guy on the train and made all of those negative assumptions before I had even met him and learned of his situation. I was so upset at the unpleasantness of my situation that I didn't seek out the opportunities that were presenting itself to me. Thankfully, life just sort of shoved me right to where I needed to be and I just went along for the ride. I suppose my way of making up for being quick to anger and judgmental of others is by writing this and taking the time to reflect on my experience so that I can learn from it. So before you get all worked up and think that life is beating you up with no way out, just breathe for a moment and try to see if you are being nudged in a different direction. More likely than not, there is always an alternate path and it will probably be the more difficult path, but just recognize that it exists and believe that you have what it takes to go there.
My sister had invited me to her place in Sunnyvale for the Fourth of July weekend, so I took the train from Union Terminal at LAX to the station in San Jose where she and my brother-in-law picked me up. Their apartment complex was something to be envied. There were plenty of grassy areas, trees, walkways that lead to outdoor grills, the pool and the hot tub. There was covered parking, a workout facility and my sister had the thing I admired most - her own private balcony/patio. It may not be much, I wouldn't call it living in luxury, but as someone who achieves zen most frequently by being outside among nature, it was definitely something special. Since moving to Los Angeles almost two months ago, I have been cooped up in a very small space. For my own safety I don't go outside unless it's to my car, the dumpster, the mailbox, or the laundry room and even then it's usually during the day. It's a rough neighborhood. Low-income areas usually mean higher crime rate. I try not to judge people, but I stay hidden inside because homeless people who live right by where I park my car, neighbors knocking on my door at night asking for money, and the frequent sirens and gun shot noises I hear lead me to assume the worst about the area where I live. I miss being able to take a walk on a beautiful day to clear my head. I'm not so sure if the reason I don't walk around here is because I'm afraid or if it's because my family worries so much about me living out here on my own. Maybe I should be more scared but I think I'm over cautious for my family's sake rather than my own. Anyway, my sister's place was heaven in comparison.
We had a great weekend. It's nice knowing that I have family only a short day's worth of travel away. We had a potluck by the pool, met the neighbors, toured San Francisco on one of those double-decker buses, participated in a morning yoga class, went out for wine-tasting at a couple of winery's, tried new foods like felafels and Persian food and walked down the hip, Murphy Street in Sunnyvale for some ridiculously good ice cream from Tutti Frutti's. While all this and spending time with family was the best part of the trip, the most important discovery about life was yet to come - on the train back to LA.
I can't exactly say that it felt like I was going "home." It felt more like I was going to a rest stop in which I have to pay a lot of money to use it's facilities and to keep all of my stuff there; never quite feeling settled because I know I still have a long way to go. If you remember all the pretty things I said about the train ride to San Jose, reverse that description and it will be similar to what the train ride back to LA was like, at least at first. I was assigned an isle seat. Not a big deal, but the huge bag that looked as if a human body stuffed inside occupying that seat was a bit irritating. Reluctantly, because my seat mate was no where to be seen, I moved the bag over to his seat. Now that I had a place to sit, I took in the explosive mess that surrounded me. The little folding table in front of my seat was out and this mystery person's crap was strung out all over it. Trying to be polite and not knowing how this person would feel if I continued to touch his things, I left it alone. Again, I try not to judge people, but I inadvertently do make assumptions and I assumed this person was male and one of those hoarder type people who was inconsiderate of other people's personal space. How dare he! On top of it all, and this is the worst part, his bag that I had to sit next to reeked of B.O. I've never even met the guy and already I couldn't stand him.
The smell got bad. Real bad. It gave me a bit of a headache. No employee was anywhere to be found for a long time and when the dinning car reservation guy came around, I tried to ask him to get someone to help me change seats. He made it clear he couldn't help me. Douche. Anyway, I stole an empty seat for a few minutes of fresh air until new passengers boarded and were assigned exactly where I was sitting. I went downstairs to where the main doors were and stood there for an hour and a half. If I was one to reason with, I suppose I should have ventured off to find the lounge area. Maybe I was being stubborn and trying to make a point, but this tactic obviously did no good. I was fully prepared to stand there and pout for 8 hours. A strange guy acknowledged me by asking what I was doing there and I quickly replied that I was just taking in the sights. Why are we so quick to lie sometimes? I suppose it was a good thing I didn't tell him the real reason - my seat mate's stuff stinks to high heavens - because shortly after when I went back to my seat, there he was. The guy who seemed concerned of my well being was the same guy who was causing me so much misery.
Of course he had to be nice. Just when you make up your mind about someone, they surprise you in such a way that makes you feel like a jerk for thinking less of them to begin with. He proceeded to move his bag and the rest of his stuff out of my way and you know, after that, the smell almost completely went away. It was a miracle! I could breathe and would be able to sit in my seat like a good girl for the remainder of the trip instead of throwing a mini tantrum with myself. Something to know about my seat mate; he's a talker. He's the kind of person who likes to meet new people and engage them. I can be a bit introverted and can feel a little uncomfortable sometimes talking about myself so I imagined I was somewhat of a challenge for him. It turned out that he was backpacking across the United States for the summer until he had to go back to school where he was studying to be a chemical engineer. He was a little over half way through his trip. Could this be the explanation for the smell? Has he not had a chance to do laundry? Regardless, I couldn't help but respect his pursuit of adventure and the courage it must take to go somewhere on the fly without preplanning it. I had become the only person he knew that lives in Los Angeles. I don't think I'm an accurate representation of what most people who live in LA are like, so I hope I didn't mislead him. As he was headed there, he had no idea where he was going to stay. He would just shrug and say that he would figure it out. We didn't make sense as you're stereotypical human beings. I'm the somewhat socially challenged type A actress and he was the deep thinking, existentialist engineer. A perfect hodgepodge of left and right brain thinkers.
We have to be slow to anger. This is something I am constantly working on. Instead of being stubborn and stuck in our own way, why not be open to life's little gifts? When life gives you lemons, make lemonade or if that affirmation is too corny for you, come up with one of your own that means the same. Sometimes it's well worth it to give someone the benefit of the doubt. When I met my neighbors, I didn't feel very trusting of them because of the roughness of the neighborhood and the fact that I'm still pretty new in town and don't know them very well yet. I did my best to give them the benefit of the doubt. One of my neighbors turned out to be the type of person who will only help you because he feels that he can use that as leverage when he knocks on your door at night asking for money. "Remember that time I helped you?" He used that line on me more than once and although I accepted his help in the past, I have never asked him for it. On the other hand, a different neighbor pleasantly surprises me in that he remembers my name, always says "hi" and even asked how I like it here. I shouldn't have been so judgmental of the guy on the train and made all of those negative assumptions before I had even met him and learned of his situation. I was so upset at the unpleasantness of my situation that I didn't seek out the opportunities that were presenting itself to me. Thankfully, life just sort of shoved me right to where I needed to be and I just went along for the ride. I suppose my way of making up for being quick to anger and judgmental of others is by writing this and taking the time to reflect on my experience so that I can learn from it. So before you get all worked up and think that life is beating you up with no way out, just breathe for a moment and try to see if you are being nudged in a different direction. More likely than not, there is always an alternate path and it will probably be the more difficult path, but just recognize that it exists and believe that you have what it takes to go there.
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