Now

Nike was on to something.  The three words the brand coined together as their famous tagline always plays back as the answer to my lethargy - just do it.

The simplicity and straightforwardness of it makes us question is efficacy.  Surely, getting things done can't be that simple.  After all, we're all just so busy and tired and there are so many other things demanding our attention.

When we look for the answer to the question, how can I do this thing I really care about?, the last thing we wan't to hear is just do it.  

- Just do it how!?

- Just do it.

If there's one thing I've learned about working on my passion projects, it's that the hardest part is getting started.

Our brain is good at coming up with all sorts of things to do other than the thing we've been saying we'll do 'someday'.

The perfect example for me is writing.  If I say that I love writing so much, then why do I ever struggle to find the motivation to do it?  Why do I go down that rabbit hole that is the interweb for an hour before I execute my first key stroke?

What a lot of us are missing is our ability to carry out deep work.

It only makes sense why it is becoming harder for people to be able to concentrate on one task for a long period of time.  These days, there seems to be more distractions, tighter deadlines, and a multitude of little tasks to do.

It's these little tasks that we really need to be aware of.  If not careful, they can trick us into feeling productive.  This is why sometimes at the end of long day you look back and wonder why you didn't accomplish what you wanted to on that big project, but you did however, manage to nearly empty your inbox.

Another reason why we're not getting our projects done may be due to us never putting ourselves first.

Have you ever noticed how much of your time you spend working for others' agendas versus your own?  The bulk of your time may likely be spent on fulfilling the requests of others, especially at a typical work place where you work full time.

In this case, schedule time for yourself.  Consider writing it on your calendar.  Any time that you give to yourself and to your goals is better than no time at all.  If you give yourself just five minutes a day for a year, that's about 30 hours - it adds up.  Or, you may find that you can give yourself one hour per week, say on a Saturday perhaps.   The more time you can chunk together, the easier it'll be to accomplish deep, concentrated work.
 
It can be easy to forget about our future selves too.  The more you put off now, the more you'll have to do later.  Be good to your future self by sharing the load.  What can your 'right-here-right-now' self do to lighten the burden of your future self? 

So this is why we should heed the well known advice of 'Don't put off tomorrow what you can do today.'  When we just jump in and do it, we figure it out as we go.

We know that the feeling of accomplishment is our reward once we complete our work, but when we do the work that truly calls to us, we find that the reward isn't only at the completion, but also in the doing.






"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.  Each day has enough trouble of its own." - Matthew 6:34

Validation

"Good morning," says one of my coworkers as he enters the office.

I want to say good morning back but he's looking at her, not me, so maybe he isn't wishing me a 'good morning'... maybe he doesn't want to talk to me because he doesn't like me, or maybe he doesn't even notice my presence at all... so I won't say 'good morning' back because I don't want to talk to anyone if they don't want to listen.

I feel plagued by thoughts like these pretty frequently.  One destructive thought after another like a stack of dominos gradually contributing to my undoing until I'm a heap of pieces on the floor. 

The trigger that started it all: a simple 'good morning' said by a fellow coworker who may or may not have directed it toward me.  

We can get into all sorts of trouble when we try to read minds and make assumptions.  So what can we do when we're just dying to know what other people think about us?

Let go.

Sure, if it's appropriate, you can find a delicate approach to communicate your feelings to someone and maybe they'll be open and honest with you.  Whether you ever find out what someone's opinion of you is or not, however, shouldn't matter.  

What matters is what you think of you.  And you can always choose to validate yourself.

Realize that you are a living, breathing, human being and that that is reason enough to be worthy of love.  So start by loving yourself.  Empower yourself.  Lift yourself up with kindness toward yourself because that is what is in your control.      

Obsessions

There are particular subjects that I tend to obsess over for a few weeks at a time before I shift gears and obsess over the next thing.

During those few weeks or so, my brain is on fire.  My intentions on doing the thing I'm obsessing over consumes me - I listen to podcasts about it, read articles about it, see what Google has to say about it, deviate meticulous plans and prepare myself mentally for it.

Recently it's been about minimalism.  So I got rid of bags and bags full of clothes.  Then it was all about going on a sugar detox - again, I researched, made plans, and reduced (not eliminated) sugar from my diet for fifteen out of the thirty days that I intended to.

Whatever the endeavor, it seems to be all about improving myself in some way.  A worthy way to spend my energy, I must say.  There's nothing wrong with wanting to clear the clutter from my life or to get healthier - these are wonderful things to obsess over, right?

Obsessing can often have a negative connotation though. Typically, it's not healthy to obsess over one thing.  After all, life is all about balance.  For example, obsessing over my health (orthorexia) could have adverse effects if I try so hard to be perfect that I actually worsen my health due to stressing out over it.  Or if my obsession becomes more important than the people around me.

But I actually want to talk about obsession as a good thing.  As a matter of fact, I believe we can go deeper, further, with our obsessions - that's where true change can happen.

You see, once these endeavors got hard or I failed, I switched it up and found something else new and exciting, something else I can be hopeful for, to look forward to.  The old thing got hard.  The new thing however, really gives me that hit of dopamine my brain craves so much.  It's still a pretty, little pipe dream.

There's something about failure that I think we're all still afraid of.  No one wants to feel like a failure so as soon as we fail at something, we tend to gravitate toward something that we can't fail at - something abstract like a dream or an idea.

Maybe when things get hard, we can find excitement in our pursuit to overcome the challenge.  When we fail, it just means that we can find new ways of getting where we need to go.

Next time you're tempted to jump ship on something you've spent so much of your time and mental energy pursing, ask yourself what got you excited about it in the first place.

Rekindle the obsession and drudge through the hard parts.  It's okay if you discover later that you're no longer passionate about it, but just give it a chance so that you're not beating yourself up later in life, regretting why you never went for it.  

Let's take our obsessions to the next level and finally discover what's on the other side of that road block.

The Letter

I want to share with you the letter I was referring to in my last entry.  In some of my most vulnerable moments, I like to pull it out and read it, like a sword drawn from the hilt, ready to fight the black dog.

Although personal to me, I invite you to use it for yourself if you find that you relate to it.  Or perhaps it may inspire you to write your own letter to yourself, maybe to your past self who is having a hard time letting go of something that needs to be let go of. 

This is a letter I wrote to my teenage self.  It's everything I needed to hear back then, but the real beauty of it is that it's everything I need to hear now too.



Dear Me,

I urge you to celebrate your differences.  This world is so much bigger than you realize, filled with so many people - some are kind of like those around you and some have many of the same interests as you. 

I want you to remember that everyone is flawed in some way or another.  Try not to go finding these flaws, rather choose to focus on the good qualities.  Everyone has those too. 

Trust your gut.  Have faith in yourself.  Sometimes it will seems hard because people won't always validate or acknowledge you, but that's no reason to give up on yourself. 

Try to understand others by putting yourself in their shoes. 

I guarantee you that there's nothing wrong with you. 

Try not to take anything personal. 

Embrace your introversion.  The world needs introverts like you.  You have a different skillset than your more outgoing, vocal counterparts. 

Understand that there is still so much to discover and know that it's okay not to have all the answers yet.  Just be open to learning and discovery - be open to the journey. 

Any pain that you may feel is not meaningless.  It will keep you grounded, humble and strong.  Getting through this pain will prime you for relating to and helping others get through their pain.

Love yourself unconditionally.  It's okay to love yourself.  Love and respect who you are - even if you feel like you're not sure who you are, because regardless, you deserve love. 

You need to take care of yourself before you are able to best help others. 

Know that the people around you, who you're growing up with - they don't represent everyone whom you'll ever meet.  Love them and invest in the few people who are there for you.  They might not always be there for you, but enjoy the time you have together. 

You can always be there for yourself - lift yourself up.  God will always be there too.  Keep that relationship strong.



When along for ride in this life, sometimes we just have to steer ourselves in the right direction. 

Sometimes we have to close old chapters before we can write new ones.

Looking Back

Isn't it okay to look back sometimes?

Isn’t this why we study history?  To learn from the past?

For the past year, I’ve been on a journey to try and rewire my brain from about 30 years of unhealthy thinking habits.  But because old ways of thinking still creep up from time to time, I find myself needing to revisit the past – to go right to the source. 

In a way, I’m trying to rewrite my history.  Not to be in denial of it and wish it were different, but to imagine taking all the knowledge I have now and giving it to myself back then.  Would if I knew then what I know now?

My therapist gave me an assignment to write my fifteen-year-old-self a letter (Fifteen is about the age when I remember a lot of the pain that I sometimes carry with me today.).  In this letter, I would compassionately tell her the real story; not the story that often gets told – the “Nobody Likes Me” story. 

Even as I write this, a version of that story is playing in the background and it goes something like this:

"Maybe, I don't feel ready or equipped to give her this advice just yet.  After all, I still struggle to separate the past from now.  I feel my life is one big conspiracy.  Everyone, whether they realize it or not, is pre-wired to go against me, to be rude to me, to ignore me, to not like me.  You may think that I’m not that important, but that’s the problem – I can’t seem to accept that just yet.  I don’t ask to be the center of attention, I just want to feel equally loved and cared about as everyone else.  I don’t want fame or popularity, but I do want to be noticed.  I want to matter in everyone’s eyes.  I want all of us to feel included and worthy." 

If you are struggling, like me, to believe that history doesn’t have to repeat itself, that the different choices we make today matter, then that's great, but don’t hold your breath as you read this hoping for that one nugget of wisdom that will spark everything into forward motion for you because I don't claim to have all the answers.

However…

I can share my experience with you.  I can tell you what’s not working and what seems like it could work.  I can verbally hold your hand as we muddle through this shared human experience together.  I can offer you hope.  I have hope that I won’t always be a victim of my past forever.  I have hope that one day all the love and blessings that have been bestowed upon me will be good enough for me.     

If I did have a magic key that could lock up the demons of my past forever, that key would be persistence.  I know how to change and I think deep down you know how too.  Doing the same things or thinking the same way will give you the same results.  All the positive things I tell myself, all the reasoning and recognizing of my triggers – all this crap works!  It just doesn’t work all the time.  It works kind of like this:

I have my ups and downs, but over time, I'm progressively doing better.

I like to read that letter I wrote whenever I feel like I’m that hurting, fifteen-year-old again.  It’s like I’m reaching back in time to tell her that it’s all going to be okay. 

What often happens when I read it, however, is that I imagine my future self telling my present self that it’s all going to be okay.  From time to time, I still need the advice that I needed back then.  “Healing me today, is healing me in the past.”

When along for the ride, be steadfast by trusting the process.  By coaching your past self (like I did in my letter) and yourself now, you can gradually fill your head with all the right things and those thoughts will gradually mute the old thoughts that you don’t want anymore.  It just takes time.  Time and persistence.   

The Big Picture

On August 21^st, I left the office for awhile so that I could go for a walk outside and experience the solar eclipse.  "Don't stare at the sun," they say, so I didn't - I only stole a quick glance from time to time.  Unfortunately, it didn't meet my expectations.  I was expecting it to be obvious, to see the moon's dark shadow block out all but a glowing halo of the sun.  All I saw was the same sun that I see every day.

Though I didn't see the eclipse itself, I did see the effects of it.  I saw the gathering of different groups of people standing outside in various places around town.  Many of them had the special glasses you apparently needed in order to see the eclipse.  I also saw everything turn to a beautiful, dim, glow, like you see at dusk or when the sun shines through the dark clouds right after a storm. 

It’s disappointing when we feel like we’ve wasted our time and energy on something that didn’t pan out.  But the disappointment often comes from missing the bigger picture.  There are often discoveries to be made when we can take a step back.   

Can you think of a time when you saw the effects of something, without ever seeing that something?

Take the wind for example.  Even though we can’t see it, it turns the leaves and makes the trees sway and bow. 

When we complain about the rain, we’re not usually thinking about its role in making the beautiful greenery that surrounds us.  Or even further, the beauty of the fall, of all the colored leaves that would never have lived and fallen if it weren’t for those dreary, rainy days. 

Once we’re able to see the miraculous behind-the-scenes workings (of God, I believe), then we can learn to accept our misery, our pain.  We may not like it in the moment, but we can accept it because we know what kind of joy or strength it can lead to.

After a particular rough day, I asked my husband if he ever feels God's presence.  I admitted that I didn't and I feared that He has abandoned me, just like everyone else.  In my weakest moments, I reach out to Him, expecting to feel a sense of warmth around me, like a loving embrace, but I don't feel it.  My husband said that he doesn't get that sense either, but witnesses God all around us.  In a moment of relief, of meeting the right people at the right time, in nature, in a stranger's smile.  Then I realized that I do indeed experience God everyday.  Even though I can't see Him, I see the effects He has on the world for the better. 

I have found myself before, agonizing over details and minor situations within my life.  But when I take a step back and analyze my life with a level head, I realize that I am quite happy (or at the very least, content) with how things are turning out for me.  It’s only my perspective that changes. 

When along for the ride, sometimes the sun blinds us from seeing what’s really there.  It isn’t until we put on those special glasses that we’re able to see the moon pass over the sun. 

How to Let Go of the Past

The past is for looking back on pleasant memories, sharing stories with future generations, for making mistakes and learning life lessons.  It’s not meant for holding onto resentment or polluting your present or future with bitterness and regret.  It’s meant to shape you for who you are, but you get to choose how.  Will you hold onto every bad experience and every grudge?  Will you deny it completely until it creeps up on you unexpectedly and you're not prepared to deal with it?  Or will you hold onto it loosely, allowing it to make you stronger while ultimately choosing to live in the present?

Growing up in school, I really struggled to feel loved and accepted among my peers.  I felt isolated and misunderstood on a regular basis.  I felt invisible.  And with my current job, sometimes all these old feelings, all of the old pain, comes flooding back – and often feels unbearable. 

It’s so easy to judge these feelings.  I think things such as, “I’m an adult now, I should be over this,” or “I just wish I didn’t care” – but I do care.  I’m an emotional human being who feels deeply and that’s just part of who I am. 

A new approach would be this: The more you want to feel loved, try reaching out and loving others more.

It will often come full circle.  The more loving you are toward others, the more love you will likely receive in return.  Never expect it to return, however; that’s one way to set yourself up for disappointment.  We cannot control others, only ourselves, and if we choose to love others unconditionally, we can shield ourselves from the distress that comes with expecting anything from anyone in return. 

The more you want to feel loved, try being more loving toward yourself too. 

When I learn to love others without expecting anything in return – and I’m still learning that last part – I can avoid a lot of the emotional pain that I’ve caused myself from expecting others to respond in a certain way.  Remember, we cannot control others, only ourselves, and I am learning to be more loving toward myself by not judging myself or my past and reminding myself that I was only doing the best I could with what I knew at the time.     

There’s a phrase that I picked up in one of my therapy sessions that has stuck with me that I think of often: “Healing me today, is healing me in the past”.  I like this because it encourages me to be proactive.  It empowers me to want to do better, to be happier, and to be more accepting and loving of who I am because by doing so, I am helping my teenage self from the past (– from the dark times of my past, not my entire past – it’s important to remember the good times too.).  

Note that I don’t think that I’ve fully let go of the past.  It takes time, but, I am letting go of the past, as in, I am in the process of letting it go.  I continue to heal from it as I continue to take care of myself in the present.  I heal from it by accepting it and realizing that it has helped shape who I am today. 

When along for the ride, lighten your load by ditching unnecessary baggage from the past.   Accept the past, love and forgive others from your past, and love and forgive who you were back then too.  This will set you free.  Free to liberate yourself and journey on.     

Persistence

Spring is here.  It's a time for new growth, a time when everything comes alive again.  Fresh rain nourishes the earth which is now a canvas of bright green and blue.

Yesterday, my parents had cut down a few dead trees around the property and I helped load the wood in a wagon and drive it off to the fire pit.  It always made me a little sad to see trees get cut down and burned up, yet it feels like I'm doing the same to myself.  As I continue to battle depression and anxiety, it feels like the image I've had of myself as this poor, sad girl is dying.  Sometimes I still see her reflection, but she's fading away.  It should be so wonderful to see myself as the strong, healthy, happy, woman that I am becoming, but it still feels sad to see something that I've held on to for so long slip away - no matter how good or bad that thing was.

If you're in a similar stage in your life, then you may know a thing or two about persistence, about getting back up when you didn't feel like you could ever get back up again.

But here you are. 

You are in your own personal Renaissance.

It isn’t time to reap any rewards.  It’s time to earn those rewards.  Put in the work, get your hands dirty and do the tough part.  Stop delegating all the hard parts to your future self; that’s not fair to him/her (not fair to you).  Enough of this surface level 'learning'.  It’s time to focus and delve into the depths of what knowledge you’re really trying to acquire.  This isn’t a time to be lazy with your learning anymore.  It’s okay to reach out for help and for information from other people, but only after you’ve exhausted your ability to learn first.  No one knows you more that you know you – not your parents, not your spouse, not even Google – so stop asking him so many damn questions.  You know most of the answers anyway.  Trust yourself.  You’ve been cramming random facts, thoughts and philosophies into your mind for years and now it’s time to do some spring cleaning up there.  It’s time to subtract, to throw out all the crap that doesn’t feel true to you anymore, that no longer serves you.  There will be growing pains as you go through this transition and you can remind yourself to be grateful and accepting of it because that’s how you know that you’re on the right path.  The best things in life rarely come easy.  Mental toughness, practice, failure, and persistence are what will be required of you.  So feel your feelings, cry, laugh, grieve, rejoice in the little victories along the way, but know when to wipe away the tears, get up and hit the ground running again. 

We are amidst a thunderstorm.  Instead of avoiding it like we've been conditioned to, this time we're going to face it, because that's the only way to sunny skies.  The road gets bumpy sometimes when you're along for the ride, but that's no reason to stop.  You keep going because you are worth the journey. 

3 Questions to Ask Yourself When Battling Negativity

Notice the word “battling” from this title.  It implies that you will struggle with negativity and that you will fight it.  There can be no passivity on your part.  It will take conscious, mental effort in order to overcome it.  Not only will you be able to do this, but it will become easier the more you practice until one day… it won’t feel like such an overbearing battle anymore.    

Whenever we’re drowning in negativity, it’s good to already have a game plan for how to deal with it because our minds aren’t functioning at its best when we’re in that state.  We tend to lose all reason and logic and it seems like our negativity only breeds more negativity.  No one wants to be near us when we’re like that.  I know that for me, it can be difficult to not let someone’s negativity transfer to me, however, I think it should always be our goal to be the positive influence in other people’s lives rather than letting anyone’s negativity suede us to the dark side - but perhaps that’s a discussion for another time.  What I want to focus on now is how we can decelerate, or even better, stop completely the speeding roller coaster of our negativity so that we can salvage the rest of our day, move on, and be happier.  There are three questions that I tend to ask myself whenever I’m in a funk and they’ve really seemed to help me recuperate.  The three questions are:

1) What are the facts?

When we are deep in a funk, our negativity can cloud our thinking.  It’s important to separate what’s real from what’s not.  This is one way to help “snap out of it”.  I realize that it isn’t always that easy, but an honest reality check with yourself can help stop the momentum of negative thinking.

2) Does this serve me?

Once you collect the facts, you then want to discard not only what’s false, but also anything that may be true that doesn’t serve you.  Does the thought make you feel bad and does dwelling on it only make you feel worse?  If so, then it’s not helping you get out of your funk. 

3) What do I like?

If you are having negative thoughts about yourself, name something that you like about yourself. 

If you are having negative thoughts about someone else, name something that you like about that person. 

If you are having negative thoughts about a situation that you are in, name something that you like about that situation. 

For example, sometimes I feel negatively about how my job takes up all of my time and it feels like I have no time for myself.  So, first of all, what are the facts?  Well, I work eight hours a day at my job and have less time for other things I’d like to do, but it isn’t true that I have no time at all.  It may be true that fitting in time for certain things I’d like to do is difficult, but it’s not impossible.  Does this thought serve me?  No.  Dwelling on the fact that I don’t have as much time as I would like does more harm than good.  What do I like about this situation?  I like that my job provides me with an income that I can use to save for a house and that it has a retirement plan that can help support myself for the future.  I also often find the work that I do relaxing, such as typing and organizing files.         

The process is kind of like cleaning out your closet.  You need to first get rid of all the clothes that no longer fit you or that you no longer like to wear anymore.  Sometimes we have intentions of wearing something again that we haven’t worn in months, but deep down we know that we won’t (What will I honestly wear again and what will I not wear again?  Do these clothes serve me anymore?  What clothes do I like?).  Once we get rid of all of the junk, we can then start to think about replacing it with more quality items (quality/positive thoughts) that we’d actually want to wear.    

When along for the ride, sometimes our biggest obstacle is ourselves.  When we know the truth behind our negativity, we can then start to dismantle its power not only by seeing it for what it really is, but also by adjusting our focus toward the positive.  It takes conscious effort, especially when the positive seems invisible, but it is there - you just have to look for it.

Benefits of Journaling

Nope.  Diaries aren't just for emotional, teenage girls.  But if the word still repels you because of its cheesy connotation as it does me, then let's call them journals.  A ‘journal’ sounds much more sophisticated.

Starting back in August of this past year, I began journaling consistently.  Not in some expensive, mole-skinned-leather-bound book with a fancy-schmancy engraved pen or anything like that.  No need to blow a paycheck on specialty stationary, nor do you even have to identify yourself as a writer for that matter.  I'm currently writing in a used composition book that I had acquired from high school in which I've torn the previous notes out of.

Speaking of high school, I feel compelled to mention that I had a journal once before around that time.  Alright, so I may have been an emotional, teenage girl, but due to my pride, I called it a journal, even then.  Except back then, I had a lot of ooey-gooey pain that I let bleed all over the pages of this journal.  I would write furiously, not giving my brain time to process any thoughts.  My handwriting was even different - it was choppy and the ink, dark from where hot, anger seared through the pen.  After months of purging dark emotions onto the pages, I realized that this journal was the monster I never wanted to create.  Being a private person, I had told myself that I never wanted to have anything that I wouldn't want anyone to find.  And sure enough, my husband (boyfriend at the time) found my little monster and together, we burned the pages and flushed them down the toilet like some kind of cathartic ritual.       

So why am I doing it all over again, years later?  And why do I think you should consider doing it as well? 

It worked. 

Before destroying the journal as if it were a Horcrux or something, I felt a sense of relief after every entry I wrote.  It was very therapeutic.  I believe what I did was called "free-writing".  It provided a calming effect.  If you ever feel overwhelmed by a flood of thoughts that are a real distraction to you, you can try this.  The key is to not think.  You're already doing enough of that.  Let the pen/pencil do the thinking.  Write until you feel you've gotten everything out, like a brain-dump.  You should be able to tell when to stop.  If you find yourself thinking too hard about what to write next, it's time to stop.  If you feel any sort of relief, calmness or clarity, then your free-writing session was successful.

You can go about journaling other ways too.  These days, I do a less compulsive version of free-writing.  I take my time with it, but I still try not to overthink anything.  I usually write about five to fifteen minutes, Monday through Friday, sometimes at night, but usually in the morning.  The bottom line is that there is no right way to do it.  Whatever you’re willing to commit to is fine. 

When I write in my journal, it organizes my thoughts.  It forces me to put what’s been swimming around in my head onto paper by forming words and therefore, manifesting into more digestible bits of information.  Once you have this information, you can then use it to your advantage.  

Have you ever had something unsettling on your mind, that keeps returning over and over again?
Imagine that you had taken some time to write down and explore those feelings and also - and this is just as important - wrote down when you felt good or at peace too.  Do you think writing down your experiences could help you in the future? 

Here’s an example of something I wrote on December 13^th, 2016:

“Whoa.  Guess what?  Turns out you can choose to be happy after all.  Grant it, I’ve been working on it for years, in a way, but now, I’m learning to choose it more often.  I used to think that the ability to choose happiness was bullshit, that we don’t have that much control.  But we have more than one might think.  We just have to fight for it, every day, every moment.”

This highlights why writing the good moments in your life is just as important as the bad.  I think of this entry often during times when I feel unhappy.  Knowing that I chose happiness before and that I can choose it again has been a real game-changer for me.  If I had chosen to write the good along with the bad in my journal back in high school, maybe I could have been a little happier beyond just the experience of temporary relief. 

Last month I found myself writing about how I didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life and troubled about not being in the type of career I thought I wanted.   Here’s the entry I wrote on December 6^th 2016 that helped me get through this:

 “I’ve been over-thinking again.  Now that it’s December, I keep thinking of all the things I want to accomplish next year.  Whenever I dig deep and try to think about what I should be doing, ironically I realize that I’m already on the right path.  When I’m truly awake, I realize I’m even happy with exactly how my life is right now.  My mind is used to the constant searching.  I’m always looking for ways to be better.  Not necessarily a bad quality, but when I’m present – wow.  I think I’m happy when I’m present.  Content, at least, and my contentment is probably a happier version that a lot of people’s.  Contentment is a wonderful feeling over the feeling of unfulfillment – which is how I feel when I over-think about the things I ‘should’ accomplish.  I need to let go and trust myself.” 

These are just a couple of examples of how I have helped myself through journaling.  Recently, I've been finding it a little more challenging to come up with what to write which is a wonderful 'problem' to have.  It means that I haven't been searching for something to feel unfulfilled about, something that is purely future-based.  It means that I've chosen to find joy in the here and now.  Over time of keeping my journal, I've written about desires and sadness less and less and I've written about positive things more and more which will be very useful to me for whenever I'm in a funk again.

Here's the takeaway: If you decide to give journaling a try, know that you don't have to be some brilliant writer and it doesn't have to be a huge commitment.  There's no page or time requirement.  You don't need to overthink anything, just let out whatever's on your mind and let your pen take you along for the ride.  Write the good, the bad, and the ugly.  Review it.  Learn from it.  I hope that it changes your life for the better as it has mine.  Happy writing! 

A New Dream

Let's go back to the beginning, the whole reason why I began Along for the Ride: To live life as a journey, not as a destination.

As some of us are setting goals for the New Year, I realize that a goal is something that lives in the future.  It's something we strive for, not what we're currently experiencing, therefore to only focus on a goal would be to focus on the destination which is the opposite of what I want to accomplish. 

With that said, I don't think we should completely write off setting any goals.  Having a goal can motivate us and push us to get things done.  For example, I've been setting running goals so that I can run at a somewhat competitive speed for a 10K.  However, running a 10K well isn't my primary goal.  It's a flexible goal that I set so that I will push myself so that I can hopefully produce results as far as improving my fitness goes.  I keep the goal flexible so that I can keep it realistic and therefore achievable.  The primary goal should be to find joy in whatever I am doing, in the moment I am doing it.    

If I were to say that I have resolutions for this year, they would be this:

1. Continue letting go of things, people, and old thinking habits, that do not serve me or bring me joy; sometimes less is more.
2. Strengthen the relationships that matter the most to me.  I want to focus less on their flaws (we all have them) or trying to "fix" them and learn to just love and accept them for who they are today. 
3. Live.  Simply live and enjoy life, moment by moment - that is all.  I want to focus less on attaining some kind of accomplishment and more on enjoying the little things that genuinely make me the happiest.  For me, that may look something like this: coloring, watching old cartoons, being outdoors, reading a book, roasting marshmallows over a fire, going for a walk, going to church, playing cards or a board game with my family, working a puzzle - the list could go on.  

Before you make a year's worth of to do's, try taking some time to reset.  Why do you feel the need to accomplish everything you're wanting to accomplish?  Would the process of doing those things make you happy or are you chasing a feeling of accomplishment, a feeling that lives in the future?  Would you regret not doing those things?  If you had nothing to do, what would you want to fill your time with?  Think about why you want to do the things you're set out to do.  If you take the time to reset, to step back and think about all the things you fill up your life with, you may begin to discover what is really meaningful to you and what is not. 

   

May all your dreams come true when you're Along for the Ride this year.  If you let go of what doesn't really matter, care for and nurture the people/things that do matter, and do more of the simple things that bring you joy, you may come to find that you already have everything in your power to make all your dreams come true. 

Facing the Storm

As I take on another substantial transition in my life, I knew I would have to do so carefully.  Not only did I just move back to my beautiful, peaceful home in Kentucky from the crowded, concrete ghetto of Los Angeles, but I moved back for good - and the permanence of it is a bit scary.  No more running.  I'm finally home.  So what do I do when I'm faced with a problem I want to get away from?  I won't be looking for ways to get around it.  This time, I'm facing the storm. 

A lot of us like things to remain the same.  It's comfortable to have routines and to know what to expect on a regular basis.  I am like this with some things, but for a long time I not only sought out change, but I thrived with change, chased it, craved it; so you see how settling down can be a bit daunting for me.  The thing is, I did need a change, but not necessarily in location.  You've probably heard the saying, "You can't run away from your problems."  I've learned this first hand by realizing that no matter where I move or who I meet, there are certain patterns, or things that I don't want following me.  That's when I realized that the real change needed to come from within.    

Here are three particular things that has helped me conquer challenges that I've faced during my latest transition:

1. Acceptance
2. Presence
3. Asking for help

Acceptance

There's a difference between accepting difficult situations in your life and just putting up with them.  Putting up with something leaves your mind as a breeding ground for negativity.  You may feel that although you're rolling with the punches, life has dealt you a bad hand.  When you're accepting, you don't make the problem about you.  You don't see yourself as a victim.  You don't have to like the problem, but it's easier to overcome because you're not associating yourself with the problem.  You think more along the lines of "This thing happened" and then you deal with it, rather than, "This bad thing happened to me" and then allowing yourself to go down the rabbit hole of negative thinking.

Something that has followed me ever since I was young was feeling ignored by everyone.  I often felt insignificant and wondered how I could change in order to feel more accepted.  When I moved to college, then to other places I've lived after that, I was hoping that the feeling would go away.  I thought that maybe I wouldn't be ignored by these other people that I haven't met yet.  Instead of looking for acceptance in others, however, I should have been looking for it in myself.  I have since taken steps to be more accepting of who I am.  For example, I'm an introvert and I always use to sense that others saw that as a bad quality, probably because they use to say things to me like, "Why don't you talk?" or, when I was on stage, "Be louder!  Project your voice!".  It was so unnatural for me to try and be someone I wasn't.  Stepping out of your comfort zone and taking risks can be a good thing for sure, but I think there were times when instead of challenging myself, I denied myself completely.  Self-confidence is still something I'm actively working on, but I do have much more than I used to, and I've noticed a positive difference in my level of happiness.

  
Presence

A few months before I left Los Angeles, I knew there was a chance that I'd never be there again.  That thought forged me to live in the present.  I made sure I really savored my time there because I wanted to make sure I wouldn't have any regrets by the time I left.  I got out and did things, saw things, and met new people.  I had challenges and victories, moments of chaos and moments of peace.  I learned a lot of new things, including how to live on my own.  I wanted experiences and to really live there, not only do things that I could do anywhere, or worse, live unconsciously in my own head.

Asking for Help

I knew that once I got settled back home, that it was time I asked for help.  I didn't seek out professional help until 18 years later than I originally thought I needed to.  Eighteen years.  That was at least how long I let unhealthy patterns of thinking consume me.  But I have a regenerative spirit, meaning, I want to get better and I always look for ways to improve upon myself.  You have to want help and be vulnerable enough to let others in.  A lot of people never seek out any help from others because they see it as weakness when in reality, it not only takes a lot of courage to admit you're struggling with something, but getting the help you need will only make you stronger, and strong of course, is the opposite of weak.


When along for the ride, stay the course.  You may see short cuts or a clearer, easier path, but the sooner you accept the road you're on, are present for the journey, and allow someone else to take the wheel when you need it, then life will no longer pass you by because you'll be riding it - savoring it - the whole way.   

 

"I am Loving"

Magical things can take place right before you if you choose to open your heart and notice them.  I say this in regards to a bizarre, yet beautiful soul who rode the bus with me today.  Yes, this is another story of my observation of people on a bus that resonated with me.  But first, let me share a few things that were already on my mind.

For the past week, I have been meditating on positive affirmations each morning.  It's basically a list of things I tell myself with the goal of integrating them into my life and fully trusting that they are true.  For example, the last affirmation on my list that I've been telling myself each morning is, "I am loving."

I sometimes think that the older I get, I feel like most everyone I meet is some version of someone I've already met before.  I even had the horrible realization that I too often judge people negatively who I've come across with on a regular basis.  I've been handicapping myself into this view of 'me versus them'.  There are three things wrong with this: 1) 'versus' implies that people are out to hurt me in some way. 2) 'them' condenses everyone except myself into one group; it's an arrogant way of thinking because everyone is unique and has stories that I wouldn't even imagine. 3) it isolates me in a way that can harm my potential to connect with people.  How can I be more loving if I continue to think this way?

As a way to try and combat this crippling negativity, I told several strangers "I love you" today.  Alright, so it wasn't out loud, but in my mind.  But on the way home on the bus this afternoon, there was a man who did say it out loud.  On the same day I begin my philosophical quest to discover what it means to be more loving, God has already prepared a lesson.

When the man got on the bus, he addressed everyone.  I couldn't quote him word for word, but he said things like, "How are you all doing?  I love you all.  I got you.  You've been through a lot.  I got you."  I think a lot of people would say that this man is crazy, and he probably was honestly, but I think he said what I needed to hear in that moment.  He moved me and I even teared up a little.  He addressed everyone, but he looked at individuals.  What was also amazing, is that another man was brave enough to tell him that he loved him too.  How beautiful is that?  Two strangers sharing the love.

We don't have to know everyone's stories, their history, or anything for that matter in order to love them.  Seriously, we don't.  Love them because they are human, just like you.  I am saddened when I hear the word "hate" get thrown around like it's just some curse word.  If I hated anything, it would be hate itself.  To me, hate is the opposite of love therefore how can you have room in your heart to love someone if you hate them?  Love your enemies too.  I know it may sound like a hippie thing to say or naïve even, but I still understand anger.  You can be angry at someone and still love them.  You can never want to see a certain person again and still love them.  You can love a perfect stranger.  It is possible.  As you go along for the ride that is your life, tell yourself "I am loving" and be open to discover how to be just that. 

Joy Through Others

There's nothing quite like that cathartic moment when we're driving alone in our car, we hit the steering wheel as hard as we can, shout some form of vulgarity so loud our voice cracks, and the disconcerted feeling that someone may have seen this little meltdown that immediately follows. 

Or is this just me?

I had one of these impulsive moments recently due to some minutia thing that kicked my anxiety into high gear.  I call these moments, 'episodes'.  I've been fighting pretty hard lately to try and deal with these episodes in a healthy way.  After all, I really do want to be more resilient when dealt an unpleasant card in life.  So as the throbbing in my hand began to subside, I slowed my breathing, and 'talked myself off a cliff' as they say, an incredible thing happened - I was in a car accident. 

God, why?

I guess He was testing me.  If I wanted to practice learning how to cope with crummy circumstances, I couldn't think of a better opportunity.  Despite being rear-ended and not at fault in the accident, I still did not deal with what happened in the most healthy way as hoped, but I'm not beating myself up about how I handled it either.  I have chosen to cut myself a break because life is hard enough without making things worse by being hard on myself.  After I got home I just paused and tried thinking of things I was grateful for (like no one getting hurt in the accident for instance).  The important thing is that I improved.  I made an effort.  It's a step in the right direction, I think. 

I've recently discovered another coping strategy that I want to share, but it's not just a coping strategy - it's something that everyone should experience and experience often.  I'm talking about finding joy through other people's joy.

So how do you do that?  Begin with love.  Love isn't selfish.  When we love others, we want them to be happy.  When people are happy, we're getting what we want (because we want those we love to be happy).  When we get what we want, we are happy. 

Loving others + others' happiness = getting what we want = our happiness

When riding the bus home one day recently, I witnessed a couple with their baby come on board and sit down near a young girl.  The girl was holding onto a toy, still in its original box.  She used this box to cover her face and then quickly reveal herself to the baby, saying, "Hola!"  The baby smiled really big and laughed, so the young girl continued to do this over and over again.  As long as she could continue to make the baby smile and laugh, she continued this game of peek-a-boo.  If the baby got distracted, she would try something else to make him smile.  It became her mission to make this baby happy.  You could see it on her face that whenever she succeeded, she too, lit up with joy.

Would if we paid more attention to the times when other people are happy and allowed ourselves to love them enough to care?  Perhaps it would make us forget about our troubles for a while.  When along for the ride and you find your fervor for life running low, look outside yourself and fuel up on the joy of others. 

Vulnerability

Vulnerability.  Some see it as a sign of weakness but I like to see it as just the opposite.  It's brave.  It's placing yourself in the line of fire in order to, let's say, have a real connection with someone.  As one definition states, it's "...offering an opening to criticism."  Offering.  It's intentionally opening yourself up even when you know there are risks of getting hurt.  When you harden your heart and put up walls, you're not being open.  What's the worst that could happen if you were to share your true self with the world?  Is the real conflict actually within ourselves?  For me, it was... 

I had conditioned myself to not be my whole self around anyone who was starting to creep into the 'friend' category.  As a matter of fact, the meaning of that particular 'f' word became very confusing to me.  I didn't understand it; it had a negative connotation to me.  It became a very ugly word to me because whenever I let myself be me and fully open up to one of these 'friends', I felt completely exposed and violated when they faded me out of their lives.  They got more and more distant until they ignored me altogether and I finally took the hint that they were no longer interested in having a relationship with me.  I took this personally.  I would think, "What's wrong with me?  This person knows all this sensitive information about me, I completely opened up to them, and I'm not good enough for them to want to stick around?"  As soon as I realized that this was becoming a trend, up came the walls.

I have to say, I still struggle with this.  It's hard for me to trust anyone.  But I know that if we are rejected by someone, it doesn't mean that we need to change who we are.  I am gradually learning to step out into the open again, but this time I am prepared to deal with any feelings of rejection.  I'm not saying that we should always anticipate being shot down - we don't want to go through life feeling ominous all the time.  Don't be afraid to get your hopes up.  Happiness is a state of being, not a destination, so let's practice being happy in the present moment.  Getting your hopes up for something that doesn't pan out is, to me, better than being in constant fear of failure.     

So to sum things up, why do I stress that we be vulnerable when doing so can cause so much pain?  First off, we give value to our pain.  What makes it painful is our lack of confidence in ourselves.  When we learn to love ourselves, what other people think of us will no longer matter.  Don't jeopardize who you are in order to be a people pleaser.  Respect yourself enough to be true to who you are always.  The people who are along for the ride in our lives come and go and some stay, but if they go, trust that you are all the more better now for having that person in your life at that time. 

Happiness Field Trip

Four A.M. on a Saturday morning is when I decide to rise out of bed and get ready for what I will

come to call my 'Happiness Field Trip.'  The sun catches up with me on my drive to the coast and I end up making an impromptu visit with a small, quiet park.  I find a bench among the pine and other twisty trees and settle in the comforting seclusion (aside from a few neighboring crows).  The shade and cool morning air refreshes me on what would later be just a hot summer day, but there is something rewarding and almost enchanting about this particular hour.  Then I realize, if I were to remain in this present moment, right here, right now, and forget the "running clock" for a while - then I am without a doubt, truly happy. 



I think that last part is worth rereading.  I had the realization that we sometimes find happiness just by paying attention.  If we get out of our heads about what we think we need to do (i.e. the future) or about things we can't control we would live a more joyful life - we would be happier more frequently just by the awareness of those joyful moments.  Be present in life, learn to recognize the moments when you are truly happy, then savor those moments. 

Happiness is waking up to how beautiful your life can be.  You know you're awake when the smallest detail, when something you normally wouldn't think twice about, all of a sudden makes you feel strangely alive.  As I sit alone at a café patio, I see a bird among the flowers, casting his shadow from the new morning sun against a wooden support beam and the image stirs some emotions up inside of me - probably because I have deprived myself of what I needed for too long.  For me, the peace that nature and the quiet morning brought me is what I needed to recharge.  But of course, happiness looks different to everyone.    

I find happiness as I sit alone with my notebook, a warm café latte, and a blueberry scone next to plants that look like gigantic dandelions.   

My happiness is passing a community garden and the smell of flowers on my walk to the beach and looking out at the vast ocean, toes burrowing in the sand. It's not worrying about sticking to any plans and just taking the day as it comes. 

I think happiness is being alone sometimes, but never lonely.  It's doing the things that you love to do without concerning yourself of any judgments from others.  I feel happiness radiate from strangers.  I witness people (what few there are out and about this early) practicing healthy lifestyles - jogging, biking, being cordial to one another, a man walking with a banana and a yoga mat - perhaps to join the others doing yoga on the beach.  Happiness is sharing my sunscreen with a stranger. 

Happiness is listening to jazz on the way home.    

I've lived on the west coast for over a year now and have been telling myself that I should just go to the beach one day.  Better late than never I suppose, but I want to encourage you not to put your happiness on hold.  Sometimes, as in my case, it's only 20 minutes away and you just have to stop making excuses not to just reach out and grab it. 

Take yourself on your own Happiness Field Trip.  Don't look at it as a detour, but rather a necessary part of the journey you are along for the ride for. 





"There is only one way to happiness and that is to cease worrying about things which are beyond the power of our will." -Epictetus