The Letter

I want to share with you the letter I was referring to in my last entry.  In some of my most vulnerable moments, I like to pull it out and read it, like a sword drawn from the hilt, ready to fight the black dog.

Although personal to me, I invite you to use it for yourself if you find that you relate to it.  Or perhaps it may inspire you to write your own letter to yourself, maybe to your past self who is having a hard time letting go of something that needs to be let go of. 

This is a letter I wrote to my teenage self.  It's everything I needed to hear back then, but the real beauty of it is that it's everything I need to hear now too.



Dear Me,

I urge you to celebrate your differences.  This world is so much bigger than you realize, filled with so many people - some are kind of like those around you and some have many of the same interests as you. 

I want you to remember that everyone is flawed in some way or another.  Try not to go finding these flaws, rather choose to focus on the good qualities.  Everyone has those too. 

Trust your gut.  Have faith in yourself.  Sometimes it will seems hard because people won't always validate or acknowledge you, but that's no reason to give up on yourself. 

Try to understand others by putting yourself in their shoes. 

I guarantee you that there's nothing wrong with you. 

Try not to take anything personal. 

Embrace your introversion.  The world needs introverts like you.  You have a different skillset than your more outgoing, vocal counterparts. 

Understand that there is still so much to discover and know that it's okay not to have all the answers yet.  Just be open to learning and discovery - be open to the journey. 

Any pain that you may feel is not meaningless.  It will keep you grounded, humble and strong.  Getting through this pain will prime you for relating to and helping others get through their pain.

Love yourself unconditionally.  It's okay to love yourself.  Love and respect who you are - even if you feel like you're not sure who you are, because regardless, you deserve love. 

You need to take care of yourself before you are able to best help others. 

Know that the people around you, who you're growing up with - they don't represent everyone whom you'll ever meet.  Love them and invest in the few people who are there for you.  They might not always be there for you, but enjoy the time you have together. 

You can always be there for yourself - lift yourself up.  God will always be there too.  Keep that relationship strong.



When along for ride in this life, sometimes we just have to steer ourselves in the right direction. 

Sometimes we have to close old chapters before we can write new ones.

Looking Back

Isn't it okay to look back sometimes?

Isn’t this why we study history?  To learn from the past?

For the past year, I’ve been on a journey to try and rewire my brain from about 30 years of unhealthy thinking habits.  But because old ways of thinking still creep up from time to time, I find myself needing to revisit the past – to go right to the source. 

In a way, I’m trying to rewrite my history.  Not to be in denial of it and wish it were different, but to imagine taking all the knowledge I have now and giving it to myself back then.  Would if I knew then what I know now?

My therapist gave me an assignment to write my fifteen-year-old-self a letter (Fifteen is about the age when I remember a lot of the pain that I sometimes carry with me today.).  In this letter, I would compassionately tell her the real story; not the story that often gets told – the “Nobody Likes Me” story. 

Even as I write this, a version of that story is playing in the background and it goes something like this:

"Maybe, I don't feel ready or equipped to give her this advice just yet.  After all, I still struggle to separate the past from now.  I feel my life is one big conspiracy.  Everyone, whether they realize it or not, is pre-wired to go against me, to be rude to me, to ignore me, to not like me.  You may think that I’m not that important, but that’s the problem – I can’t seem to accept that just yet.  I don’t ask to be the center of attention, I just want to feel equally loved and cared about as everyone else.  I don’t want fame or popularity, but I do want to be noticed.  I want to matter in everyone’s eyes.  I want all of us to feel included and worthy." 

If you are struggling, like me, to believe that history doesn’t have to repeat itself, that the different choices we make today matter, then that's great, but don’t hold your breath as you read this hoping for that one nugget of wisdom that will spark everything into forward motion for you because I don't claim to have all the answers.

However…

I can share my experience with you.  I can tell you what’s not working and what seems like it could work.  I can verbally hold your hand as we muddle through this shared human experience together.  I can offer you hope.  I have hope that I won’t always be a victim of my past forever.  I have hope that one day all the love and blessings that have been bestowed upon me will be good enough for me.     

If I did have a magic key that could lock up the demons of my past forever, that key would be persistence.  I know how to change and I think deep down you know how too.  Doing the same things or thinking the same way will give you the same results.  All the positive things I tell myself, all the reasoning and recognizing of my triggers – all this crap works!  It just doesn’t work all the time.  It works kind of like this:

I have my ups and downs, but over time, I'm progressively doing better.

I like to read that letter I wrote whenever I feel like I’m that hurting, fifteen-year-old again.  It’s like I’m reaching back in time to tell her that it’s all going to be okay. 

What often happens when I read it, however, is that I imagine my future self telling my present self that it’s all going to be okay.  From time to time, I still need the advice that I needed back then.  “Healing me today, is healing me in the past.”

When along for the ride, be steadfast by trusting the process.  By coaching your past self (like I did in my letter) and yourself now, you can gradually fill your head with all the right things and those thoughts will gradually mute the old thoughts that you don’t want anymore.  It just takes time.  Time and persistence.   

The Big Picture

On August 21^st, I left the office for awhile so that I could go for a walk outside and experience the solar eclipse.  "Don't stare at the sun," they say, so I didn't - I only stole a quick glance from time to time.  Unfortunately, it didn't meet my expectations.  I was expecting it to be obvious, to see the moon's dark shadow block out all but a glowing halo of the sun.  All I saw was the same sun that I see every day.

Though I didn't see the eclipse itself, I did see the effects of it.  I saw the gathering of different groups of people standing outside in various places around town.  Many of them had the special glasses you apparently needed in order to see the eclipse.  I also saw everything turn to a beautiful, dim, glow, like you see at dusk or when the sun shines through the dark clouds right after a storm. 

It’s disappointing when we feel like we’ve wasted our time and energy on something that didn’t pan out.  But the disappointment often comes from missing the bigger picture.  There are often discoveries to be made when we can take a step back.   

Can you think of a time when you saw the effects of something, without ever seeing that something?

Take the wind for example.  Even though we can’t see it, it turns the leaves and makes the trees sway and bow. 

When we complain about the rain, we’re not usually thinking about its role in making the beautiful greenery that surrounds us.  Or even further, the beauty of the fall, of all the colored leaves that would never have lived and fallen if it weren’t for those dreary, rainy days. 

Once we’re able to see the miraculous behind-the-scenes workings (of God, I believe), then we can learn to accept our misery, our pain.  We may not like it in the moment, but we can accept it because we know what kind of joy or strength it can lead to.

After a particular rough day, I asked my husband if he ever feels God's presence.  I admitted that I didn't and I feared that He has abandoned me, just like everyone else.  In my weakest moments, I reach out to Him, expecting to feel a sense of warmth around me, like a loving embrace, but I don't feel it.  My husband said that he doesn't get that sense either, but witnesses God all around us.  In a moment of relief, of meeting the right people at the right time, in nature, in a stranger's smile.  Then I realized that I do indeed experience God everyday.  Even though I can't see Him, I see the effects He has on the world for the better. 

I have found myself before, agonizing over details and minor situations within my life.  But when I take a step back and analyze my life with a level head, I realize that I am quite happy (or at the very least, content) with how things are turning out for me.  It’s only my perspective that changes. 

When along for the ride, sometimes the sun blinds us from seeing what’s really there.  It isn’t until we put on those special glasses that we’re able to see the moon pass over the sun. 

How to Let Go of the Past

The past is for looking back on pleasant memories, sharing stories with future generations, for making mistakes and learning life lessons.  It’s not meant for holding onto resentment or polluting your present or future with bitterness and regret.  It’s meant to shape you for who you are, but you get to choose how.  Will you hold onto every bad experience and every grudge?  Will you deny it completely until it creeps up on you unexpectedly and you're not prepared to deal with it?  Or will you hold onto it loosely, allowing it to make you stronger while ultimately choosing to live in the present?

Growing up in school, I really struggled to feel loved and accepted among my peers.  I felt isolated and misunderstood on a regular basis.  I felt invisible.  And with my current job, sometimes all these old feelings, all of the old pain, comes flooding back – and often feels unbearable. 

It’s so easy to judge these feelings.  I think things such as, “I’m an adult now, I should be over this,” or “I just wish I didn’t care” – but I do care.  I’m an emotional human being who feels deeply and that’s just part of who I am. 

A new approach would be this: The more you want to feel loved, try reaching out and loving others more.

It will often come full circle.  The more loving you are toward others, the more love you will likely receive in return.  Never expect it to return, however; that’s one way to set yourself up for disappointment.  We cannot control others, only ourselves, and if we choose to love others unconditionally, we can shield ourselves from the distress that comes with expecting anything from anyone in return. 

The more you want to feel loved, try being more loving toward yourself too. 

When I learn to love others without expecting anything in return – and I’m still learning that last part – I can avoid a lot of the emotional pain that I’ve caused myself from expecting others to respond in a certain way.  Remember, we cannot control others, only ourselves, and I am learning to be more loving toward myself by not judging myself or my past and reminding myself that I was only doing the best I could with what I knew at the time.     

There’s a phrase that I picked up in one of my therapy sessions that has stuck with me that I think of often: “Healing me today, is healing me in the past”.  I like this because it encourages me to be proactive.  It empowers me to want to do better, to be happier, and to be more accepting and loving of who I am because by doing so, I am helping my teenage self from the past (– from the dark times of my past, not my entire past – it’s important to remember the good times too.).  

Note that I don’t think that I’ve fully let go of the past.  It takes time, but, I am letting go of the past, as in, I am in the process of letting it go.  I continue to heal from it as I continue to take care of myself in the present.  I heal from it by accepting it and realizing that it has helped shape who I am today. 

When along for the ride, lighten your load by ditching unnecessary baggage from the past.   Accept the past, love and forgive others from your past, and love and forgive who you were back then too.  This will set you free.  Free to liberate yourself and journey on.     

Persistence

Spring is here.  It's a time for new growth, a time when everything comes alive again.  Fresh rain nourishes the earth which is now a canvas of bright green and blue.

Yesterday, my parents had cut down a few dead trees around the property and I helped load the wood in a wagon and drive it off to the fire pit.  It always made me a little sad to see trees get cut down and burned up, yet it feels like I'm doing the same to myself.  As I continue to battle depression and anxiety, it feels like the image I've had of myself as this poor, sad girl is dying.  Sometimes I still see her reflection, but she's fading away.  It should be so wonderful to see myself as the strong, healthy, happy, woman that I am becoming, but it still feels sad to see something that I've held on to for so long slip away - no matter how good or bad that thing was.

If you're in a similar stage in your life, then you may know a thing or two about persistence, about getting back up when you didn't feel like you could ever get back up again.

But here you are. 

You are in your own personal Renaissance.

It isn’t time to reap any rewards.  It’s time to earn those rewards.  Put in the work, get your hands dirty and do the tough part.  Stop delegating all the hard parts to your future self; that’s not fair to him/her (not fair to you).  Enough of this surface level 'learning'.  It’s time to focus and delve into the depths of what knowledge you’re really trying to acquire.  This isn’t a time to be lazy with your learning anymore.  It’s okay to reach out for help and for information from other people, but only after you’ve exhausted your ability to learn first.  No one knows you more that you know you – not your parents, not your spouse, not even Google – so stop asking him so many damn questions.  You know most of the answers anyway.  Trust yourself.  You’ve been cramming random facts, thoughts and philosophies into your mind for years and now it’s time to do some spring cleaning up there.  It’s time to subtract, to throw out all the crap that doesn’t feel true to you anymore, that no longer serves you.  There will be growing pains as you go through this transition and you can remind yourself to be grateful and accepting of it because that’s how you know that you’re on the right path.  The best things in life rarely come easy.  Mental toughness, practice, failure, and persistence are what will be required of you.  So feel your feelings, cry, laugh, grieve, rejoice in the little victories along the way, but know when to wipe away the tears, get up and hit the ground running again. 

We are amidst a thunderstorm.  Instead of avoiding it like we've been conditioned to, this time we're going to face it, because that's the only way to sunny skies.  The road gets bumpy sometimes when you're along for the ride, but that's no reason to stop.  You keep going because you are worth the journey. 

3 Questions to Ask Yourself When Battling Negativity

Notice the word “battling” from this title.  It implies that you will struggle with negativity and that you will fight it.  There can be no passivity on your part.  It will take conscious, mental effort in order to overcome it.  Not only will you be able to do this, but it will become easier the more you practice until one day… it won’t feel like such an overbearing battle anymore.    

Whenever we’re drowning in negativity, it’s good to already have a game plan for how to deal with it because our minds aren’t functioning at its best when we’re in that state.  We tend to lose all reason and logic and it seems like our negativity only breeds more negativity.  No one wants to be near us when we’re like that.  I know that for me, it can be difficult to not let someone’s negativity transfer to me, however, I think it should always be our goal to be the positive influence in other people’s lives rather than letting anyone’s negativity suede us to the dark side - but perhaps that’s a discussion for another time.  What I want to focus on now is how we can decelerate, or even better, stop completely the speeding roller coaster of our negativity so that we can salvage the rest of our day, move on, and be happier.  There are three questions that I tend to ask myself whenever I’m in a funk and they’ve really seemed to help me recuperate.  The three questions are:

1) What are the facts?

When we are deep in a funk, our negativity can cloud our thinking.  It’s important to separate what’s real from what’s not.  This is one way to help “snap out of it”.  I realize that it isn’t always that easy, but an honest reality check with yourself can help stop the momentum of negative thinking.

2) Does this serve me?

Once you collect the facts, you then want to discard not only what’s false, but also anything that may be true that doesn’t serve you.  Does the thought make you feel bad and does dwelling on it only make you feel worse?  If so, then it’s not helping you get out of your funk. 

3) What do I like?

If you are having negative thoughts about yourself, name something that you like about yourself. 

If you are having negative thoughts about someone else, name something that you like about that person. 

If you are having negative thoughts about a situation that you are in, name something that you like about that situation. 

For example, sometimes I feel negatively about how my job takes up all of my time and it feels like I have no time for myself.  So, first of all, what are the facts?  Well, I work eight hours a day at my job and have less time for other things I’d like to do, but it isn’t true that I have no time at all.  It may be true that fitting in time for certain things I’d like to do is difficult, but it’s not impossible.  Does this thought serve me?  No.  Dwelling on the fact that I don’t have as much time as I would like does more harm than good.  What do I like about this situation?  I like that my job provides me with an income that I can use to save for a house and that it has a retirement plan that can help support myself for the future.  I also often find the work that I do relaxing, such as typing and organizing files.         

The process is kind of like cleaning out your closet.  You need to first get rid of all the clothes that no longer fit you or that you no longer like to wear anymore.  Sometimes we have intentions of wearing something again that we haven’t worn in months, but deep down we know that we won’t (What will I honestly wear again and what will I not wear again?  Do these clothes serve me anymore?  What clothes do I like?).  Once we get rid of all of the junk, we can then start to think about replacing it with more quality items (quality/positive thoughts) that we’d actually want to wear.    

When along for the ride, sometimes our biggest obstacle is ourselves.  When we know the truth behind our negativity, we can then start to dismantle its power not only by seeing it for what it really is, but also by adjusting our focus toward the positive.  It takes conscious effort, especially when the positive seems invisible, but it is there - you just have to look for it.

Benefits of Journaling

Nope.  Diaries aren't just for emotional, teenage girls.  But if the word still repels you because of its cheesy connotation as it does me, then let's call them journals.  A ‘journal’ sounds much more sophisticated.

Starting back in August of this past year, I began journaling consistently.  Not in some expensive, mole-skinned-leather-bound book with a fancy-schmancy engraved pen or anything like that.  No need to blow a paycheck on specialty stationary, nor do you even have to identify yourself as a writer for that matter.  I'm currently writing in a used composition book that I had acquired from high school in which I've torn the previous notes out of.

Speaking of high school, I feel compelled to mention that I had a journal once before around that time.  Alright, so I may have been an emotional, teenage girl, but due to my pride, I called it a journal, even then.  Except back then, I had a lot of ooey-gooey pain that I let bleed all over the pages of this journal.  I would write furiously, not giving my brain time to process any thoughts.  My handwriting was even different - it was choppy and the ink, dark from where hot, anger seared through the pen.  After months of purging dark emotions onto the pages, I realized that this journal was the monster I never wanted to create.  Being a private person, I had told myself that I never wanted to have anything that I wouldn't want anyone to find.  And sure enough, my husband (boyfriend at the time) found my little monster and together, we burned the pages and flushed them down the toilet like some kind of cathartic ritual.       

So why am I doing it all over again, years later?  And why do I think you should consider doing it as well? 

It worked. 

Before destroying the journal as if it were a Horcrux or something, I felt a sense of relief after every entry I wrote.  It was very therapeutic.  I believe what I did was called "free-writing".  It provided a calming effect.  If you ever feel overwhelmed by a flood of thoughts that are a real distraction to you, you can try this.  The key is to not think.  You're already doing enough of that.  Let the pen/pencil do the thinking.  Write until you feel you've gotten everything out, like a brain-dump.  You should be able to tell when to stop.  If you find yourself thinking too hard about what to write next, it's time to stop.  If you feel any sort of relief, calmness or clarity, then your free-writing session was successful.

You can go about journaling other ways too.  These days, I do a less compulsive version of free-writing.  I take my time with it, but I still try not to overthink anything.  I usually write about five to fifteen minutes, Monday through Friday, sometimes at night, but usually in the morning.  The bottom line is that there is no right way to do it.  Whatever you’re willing to commit to is fine. 

When I write in my journal, it organizes my thoughts.  It forces me to put what’s been swimming around in my head onto paper by forming words and therefore, manifesting into more digestible bits of information.  Once you have this information, you can then use it to your advantage.  

Have you ever had something unsettling on your mind, that keeps returning over and over again?
Imagine that you had taken some time to write down and explore those feelings and also - and this is just as important - wrote down when you felt good or at peace too.  Do you think writing down your experiences could help you in the future? 

Here’s an example of something I wrote on December 13^th, 2016:

“Whoa.  Guess what?  Turns out you can choose to be happy after all.  Grant it, I’ve been working on it for years, in a way, but now, I’m learning to choose it more often.  I used to think that the ability to choose happiness was bullshit, that we don’t have that much control.  But we have more than one might think.  We just have to fight for it, every day, every moment.”

This highlights why writing the good moments in your life is just as important as the bad.  I think of this entry often during times when I feel unhappy.  Knowing that I chose happiness before and that I can choose it again has been a real game-changer for me.  If I had chosen to write the good along with the bad in my journal back in high school, maybe I could have been a little happier beyond just the experience of temporary relief. 

Last month I found myself writing about how I didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life and troubled about not being in the type of career I thought I wanted.   Here’s the entry I wrote on December 6^th 2016 that helped me get through this:

 “I’ve been over-thinking again.  Now that it’s December, I keep thinking of all the things I want to accomplish next year.  Whenever I dig deep and try to think about what I should be doing, ironically I realize that I’m already on the right path.  When I’m truly awake, I realize I’m even happy with exactly how my life is right now.  My mind is used to the constant searching.  I’m always looking for ways to be better.  Not necessarily a bad quality, but when I’m present – wow.  I think I’m happy when I’m present.  Content, at least, and my contentment is probably a happier version that a lot of people’s.  Contentment is a wonderful feeling over the feeling of unfulfillment – which is how I feel when I over-think about the things I ‘should’ accomplish.  I need to let go and trust myself.” 

These are just a couple of examples of how I have helped myself through journaling.  Recently, I've been finding it a little more challenging to come up with what to write which is a wonderful 'problem' to have.  It means that I haven't been searching for something to feel unfulfilled about, something that is purely future-based.  It means that I've chosen to find joy in the here and now.  Over time of keeping my journal, I've written about desires and sadness less and less and I've written about positive things more and more which will be very useful to me for whenever I'm in a funk again.

Here's the takeaway: If you decide to give journaling a try, know that you don't have to be some brilliant writer and it doesn't have to be a huge commitment.  There's no page or time requirement.  You don't need to overthink anything, just let out whatever's on your mind and let your pen take you along for the ride.  Write the good, the bad, and the ugly.  Review it.  Learn from it.  I hope that it changes your life for the better as it has mine.  Happy writing!