How to Let Go of the Past

The past is for looking back on pleasant memories, sharing stories with future generations, for making mistakes and learning life lessons.  It’s not meant for holding onto resentment or polluting your present or future with bitterness and regret.  It’s meant to shape you for who you are, but you get to choose how.  Will you hold onto every bad experience and every grudge?  Will you deny it completely until it creeps up on you unexpectedly and you're not prepared to deal with it?  Or will you hold onto it loosely, allowing it to make you stronger while ultimately choosing to live in the present?

Growing up in school, I really struggled to feel loved and accepted among my peers.  I felt isolated and misunderstood on a regular basis.  I felt invisible.  And with my current job, sometimes all these old feelings, all of the old pain, comes flooding back – and often feels unbearable. 

It’s so easy to judge these feelings.  I think things such as, “I’m an adult now, I should be over this,” or “I just wish I didn’t care” – but I do care.  I’m an emotional human being who feels deeply and that’s just part of who I am. 

A new approach would be this: The more you want to feel loved, try reaching out and loving others more.

It will often come full circle.  The more loving you are toward others, the more love you will likely receive in return.  Never expect it to return, however; that’s one way to set yourself up for disappointment.  We cannot control others, only ourselves, and if we choose to love others unconditionally, we can shield ourselves from the distress that comes with expecting anything from anyone in return. 

The more you want to feel loved, try being more loving toward yourself too. 

When I learn to love others without expecting anything in return – and I’m still learning that last part – I can avoid a lot of the emotional pain that I’ve caused myself from expecting others to respond in a certain way.  Remember, we cannot control others, only ourselves, and I am learning to be more loving toward myself by not judging myself or my past and reminding myself that I was only doing the best I could with what I knew at the time.     

There’s a phrase that I picked up in one of my therapy sessions that has stuck with me that I think of often: “Healing me today, is healing me in the past”.  I like this because it encourages me to be proactive.  It empowers me to want to do better, to be happier, and to be more accepting and loving of who I am because by doing so, I am helping my teenage self from the past (– from the dark times of my past, not my entire past – it’s important to remember the good times too.).  

Note that I don’t think that I’ve fully let go of the past.  It takes time, but, I am letting go of the past, as in, I am in the process of letting it go.  I continue to heal from it as I continue to take care of myself in the present.  I heal from it by accepting it and realizing that it has helped shape who I am today. 

When along for the ride, lighten your load by ditching unnecessary baggage from the past.   Accept the past, love and forgive others from your past, and love and forgive who you were back then too.  This will set you free.  Free to liberate yourself and journey on.     

Persistence

Spring is here.  It's a time for new growth, a time when everything comes alive again.  Fresh rain nourishes the earth which is now a canvas of bright green and blue.

Yesterday, my parents had cut down a few dead trees around the property and I helped load the wood in a wagon and drive it off to the fire pit.  It always made me a little sad to see trees get cut down and burned up, yet it feels like I'm doing the same to myself.  As I continue to battle depression and anxiety, it feels like the image I've had of myself as this poor, sad girl is dying.  Sometimes I still see her reflection, but she's fading away.  It should be so wonderful to see myself as the strong, healthy, happy, woman that I am becoming, but it still feels sad to see something that I've held on to for so long slip away - no matter how good or bad that thing was.

If you're in a similar stage in your life, then you may know a thing or two about persistence, about getting back up when you didn't feel like you could ever get back up again.

But here you are. 

You are in your own personal Renaissance.

It isn’t time to reap any rewards.  It’s time to earn those rewards.  Put in the work, get your hands dirty and do the tough part.  Stop delegating all the hard parts to your future self; that’s not fair to him/her (not fair to you).  Enough of this surface level 'learning'.  It’s time to focus and delve into the depths of what knowledge you’re really trying to acquire.  This isn’t a time to be lazy with your learning anymore.  It’s okay to reach out for help and for information from other people, but only after you’ve exhausted your ability to learn first.  No one knows you more that you know you – not your parents, not your spouse, not even Google – so stop asking him so many damn questions.  You know most of the answers anyway.  Trust yourself.  You’ve been cramming random facts, thoughts and philosophies into your mind for years and now it’s time to do some spring cleaning up there.  It’s time to subtract, to throw out all the crap that doesn’t feel true to you anymore, that no longer serves you.  There will be growing pains as you go through this transition and you can remind yourself to be grateful and accepting of it because that’s how you know that you’re on the right path.  The best things in life rarely come easy.  Mental toughness, practice, failure, and persistence are what will be required of you.  So feel your feelings, cry, laugh, grieve, rejoice in the little victories along the way, but know when to wipe away the tears, get up and hit the ground running again. 

We are amidst a thunderstorm.  Instead of avoiding it like we've been conditioned to, this time we're going to face it, because that's the only way to sunny skies.  The road gets bumpy sometimes when you're along for the ride, but that's no reason to stop.  You keep going because you are worth the journey. 

3 Questions to Ask Yourself When Battling Negativity

Notice the word “battling” from this title.  It implies that you will struggle with negativity and that you will fight it.  There can be no passivity on your part.  It will take conscious, mental effort in order to overcome it.  Not only will you be able to do this, but it will become easier the more you practice until one day… it won’t feel like such an overbearing battle anymore.    

Whenever we’re drowning in negativity, it’s good to already have a game plan for how to deal with it because our minds aren’t functioning at its best when we’re in that state.  We tend to lose all reason and logic and it seems like our negativity only breeds more negativity.  No one wants to be near us when we’re like that.  I know that for me, it can be difficult to not let someone’s negativity transfer to me, however, I think it should always be our goal to be the positive influence in other people’s lives rather than letting anyone’s negativity suede us to the dark side - but perhaps that’s a discussion for another time.  What I want to focus on now is how we can decelerate, or even better, stop completely the speeding roller coaster of our negativity so that we can salvage the rest of our day, move on, and be happier.  There are three questions that I tend to ask myself whenever I’m in a funk and they’ve really seemed to help me recuperate.  The three questions are:

1) What are the facts?

When we are deep in a funk, our negativity can cloud our thinking.  It’s important to separate what’s real from what’s not.  This is one way to help “snap out of it”.  I realize that it isn’t always that easy, but an honest reality check with yourself can help stop the momentum of negative thinking.

2) Does this serve me?

Once you collect the facts, you then want to discard not only what’s false, but also anything that may be true that doesn’t serve you.  Does the thought make you feel bad and does dwelling on it only make you feel worse?  If so, then it’s not helping you get out of your funk. 

3) What do I like?

If you are having negative thoughts about yourself, name something that you like about yourself. 

If you are having negative thoughts about someone else, name something that you like about that person. 

If you are having negative thoughts about a situation that you are in, name something that you like about that situation. 

For example, sometimes I feel negatively about how my job takes up all of my time and it feels like I have no time for myself.  So, first of all, what are the facts?  Well, I work eight hours a day at my job and have less time for other things I’d like to do, but it isn’t true that I have no time at all.  It may be true that fitting in time for certain things I’d like to do is difficult, but it’s not impossible.  Does this thought serve me?  No.  Dwelling on the fact that I don’t have as much time as I would like does more harm than good.  What do I like about this situation?  I like that my job provides me with an income that I can use to save for a house and that it has a retirement plan that can help support myself for the future.  I also often find the work that I do relaxing, such as typing and organizing files.         

The process is kind of like cleaning out your closet.  You need to first get rid of all the clothes that no longer fit you or that you no longer like to wear anymore.  Sometimes we have intentions of wearing something again that we haven’t worn in months, but deep down we know that we won’t (What will I honestly wear again and what will I not wear again?  Do these clothes serve me anymore?  What clothes do I like?).  Once we get rid of all of the junk, we can then start to think about replacing it with more quality items (quality/positive thoughts) that we’d actually want to wear.    

When along for the ride, sometimes our biggest obstacle is ourselves.  When we know the truth behind our negativity, we can then start to dismantle its power not only by seeing it for what it really is, but also by adjusting our focus toward the positive.  It takes conscious effort, especially when the positive seems invisible, but it is there - you just have to look for it.

Benefits of Journaling

Nope.  Diaries aren't just for emotional, teenage girls.  But if the word still repels you because of its cheesy connotation as it does me, then let's call them journals.  A ‘journal’ sounds much more sophisticated.

Starting back in August of this past year, I began journaling consistently.  Not in some expensive, mole-skinned-leather-bound book with a fancy-schmancy engraved pen or anything like that.  No need to blow a paycheck on specialty stationary, nor do you even have to identify yourself as a writer for that matter.  I'm currently writing in a used composition book that I had acquired from high school in which I've torn the previous notes out of.

Speaking of high school, I feel compelled to mention that I had a journal once before around that time.  Alright, so I may have been an emotional, teenage girl, but due to my pride, I called it a journal, even then.  Except back then, I had a lot of ooey-gooey pain that I let bleed all over the pages of this journal.  I would write furiously, not giving my brain time to process any thoughts.  My handwriting was even different - it was choppy and the ink, dark from where hot, anger seared through the pen.  After months of purging dark emotions onto the pages, I realized that this journal was the monster I never wanted to create.  Being a private person, I had told myself that I never wanted to have anything that I wouldn't want anyone to find.  And sure enough, my husband (boyfriend at the time) found my little monster and together, we burned the pages and flushed them down the toilet like some kind of cathartic ritual.       

So why am I doing it all over again, years later?  And why do I think you should consider doing it as well? 

It worked. 

Before destroying the journal as if it were a Horcrux or something, I felt a sense of relief after every entry I wrote.  It was very therapeutic.  I believe what I did was called "free-writing".  It provided a calming effect.  If you ever feel overwhelmed by a flood of thoughts that are a real distraction to you, you can try this.  The key is to not think.  You're already doing enough of that.  Let the pen/pencil do the thinking.  Write until you feel you've gotten everything out, like a brain-dump.  You should be able to tell when to stop.  If you find yourself thinking too hard about what to write next, it's time to stop.  If you feel any sort of relief, calmness or clarity, then your free-writing session was successful.

You can go about journaling other ways too.  These days, I do a less compulsive version of free-writing.  I take my time with it, but I still try not to overthink anything.  I usually write about five to fifteen minutes, Monday through Friday, sometimes at night, but usually in the morning.  The bottom line is that there is no right way to do it.  Whatever you’re willing to commit to is fine. 

When I write in my journal, it organizes my thoughts.  It forces me to put what’s been swimming around in my head onto paper by forming words and therefore, manifesting into more digestible bits of information.  Once you have this information, you can then use it to your advantage.  

Have you ever had something unsettling on your mind, that keeps returning over and over again?
Imagine that you had taken some time to write down and explore those feelings and also - and this is just as important - wrote down when you felt good or at peace too.  Do you think writing down your experiences could help you in the future? 

Here’s an example of something I wrote on December 13^th, 2016:

“Whoa.  Guess what?  Turns out you can choose to be happy after all.  Grant it, I’ve been working on it for years, in a way, but now, I’m learning to choose it more often.  I used to think that the ability to choose happiness was bullshit, that we don’t have that much control.  But we have more than one might think.  We just have to fight for it, every day, every moment.”

This highlights why writing the good moments in your life is just as important as the bad.  I think of this entry often during times when I feel unhappy.  Knowing that I chose happiness before and that I can choose it again has been a real game-changer for me.  If I had chosen to write the good along with the bad in my journal back in high school, maybe I could have been a little happier beyond just the experience of temporary relief. 

Last month I found myself writing about how I didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life and troubled about not being in the type of career I thought I wanted.   Here’s the entry I wrote on December 6^th 2016 that helped me get through this:

 “I’ve been over-thinking again.  Now that it’s December, I keep thinking of all the things I want to accomplish next year.  Whenever I dig deep and try to think about what I should be doing, ironically I realize that I’m already on the right path.  When I’m truly awake, I realize I’m even happy with exactly how my life is right now.  My mind is used to the constant searching.  I’m always looking for ways to be better.  Not necessarily a bad quality, but when I’m present – wow.  I think I’m happy when I’m present.  Content, at least, and my contentment is probably a happier version that a lot of people’s.  Contentment is a wonderful feeling over the feeling of unfulfillment – which is how I feel when I over-think about the things I ‘should’ accomplish.  I need to let go and trust myself.” 

These are just a couple of examples of how I have helped myself through journaling.  Recently, I've been finding it a little more challenging to come up with what to write which is a wonderful 'problem' to have.  It means that I haven't been searching for something to feel unfulfilled about, something that is purely future-based.  It means that I've chosen to find joy in the here and now.  Over time of keeping my journal, I've written about desires and sadness less and less and I've written about positive things more and more which will be very useful to me for whenever I'm in a funk again.

Here's the takeaway: If you decide to give journaling a try, know that you don't have to be some brilliant writer and it doesn't have to be a huge commitment.  There's no page or time requirement.  You don't need to overthink anything, just let out whatever's on your mind and let your pen take you along for the ride.  Write the good, the bad, and the ugly.  Review it.  Learn from it.  I hope that it changes your life for the better as it has mine.  Happy writing! 

A New Dream

Let's go back to the beginning, the whole reason why I began Along for the Ride: To live life as a journey, not as a destination.

As some of us are setting goals for the New Year, I realize that a goal is something that lives in the future.  It's something we strive for, not what we're currently experiencing, therefore to only focus on a goal would be to focus on the destination which is the opposite of what I want to accomplish. 

With that said, I don't think we should completely write off setting any goals.  Having a goal can motivate us and push us to get things done.  For example, I've been setting running goals so that I can run at a somewhat competitive speed for a 10K.  However, running a 10K well isn't my primary goal.  It's a flexible goal that I set so that I will push myself so that I can hopefully produce results as far as improving my fitness goes.  I keep the goal flexible so that I can keep it realistic and therefore achievable.  The primary goal should be to find joy in whatever I am doing, in the moment I am doing it.    

If I were to say that I have resolutions for this year, they would be this:

1. Continue letting go of things, people, and old thinking habits, that do not serve me or bring me joy; sometimes less is more.
2. Strengthen the relationships that matter the most to me.  I want to focus less on their flaws (we all have them) or trying to "fix" them and learn to just love and accept them for who they are today. 
3. Live.  Simply live and enjoy life, moment by moment - that is all.  I want to focus less on attaining some kind of accomplishment and more on enjoying the little things that genuinely make me the happiest.  For me, that may look something like this: coloring, watching old cartoons, being outdoors, reading a book, roasting marshmallows over a fire, going for a walk, going to church, playing cards or a board game with my family, working a puzzle - the list could go on.  

Before you make a year's worth of to do's, try taking some time to reset.  Why do you feel the need to accomplish everything you're wanting to accomplish?  Would the process of doing those things make you happy or are you chasing a feeling of accomplishment, a feeling that lives in the future?  Would you regret not doing those things?  If you had nothing to do, what would you want to fill your time with?  Think about why you want to do the things you're set out to do.  If you take the time to reset, to step back and think about all the things you fill up your life with, you may begin to discover what is really meaningful to you and what is not. 

   

May all your dreams come true when you're Along for the Ride this year.  If you let go of what doesn't really matter, care for and nurture the people/things that do matter, and do more of the simple things that bring you joy, you may come to find that you already have everything in your power to make all your dreams come true. 

Facing the Storm

As I take on another substantial transition in my life, I knew I would have to do so carefully.  Not only did I just move back to my beautiful, peaceful home in Kentucky from the crowded, concrete ghetto of Los Angeles, but I moved back for good - and the permanence of it is a bit scary.  No more running.  I'm finally home.  So what do I do when I'm faced with a problem I want to get away from?  I won't be looking for ways to get around it.  This time, I'm facing the storm. 

A lot of us like things to remain the same.  It's comfortable to have routines and to know what to expect on a regular basis.  I am like this with some things, but for a long time I not only sought out change, but I thrived with change, chased it, craved it; so you see how settling down can be a bit daunting for me.  The thing is, I did need a change, but not necessarily in location.  You've probably heard the saying, "You can't run away from your problems."  I've learned this first hand by realizing that no matter where I move or who I meet, there are certain patterns, or things that I don't want following me.  That's when I realized that the real change needed to come from within.    

Here are three particular things that has helped me conquer challenges that I've faced during my latest transition:

1. Acceptance
2. Presence
3. Asking for help

Acceptance

There's a difference between accepting difficult situations in your life and just putting up with them.  Putting up with something leaves your mind as a breeding ground for negativity.  You may feel that although you're rolling with the punches, life has dealt you a bad hand.  When you're accepting, you don't make the problem about you.  You don't see yourself as a victim.  You don't have to like the problem, but it's easier to overcome because you're not associating yourself with the problem.  You think more along the lines of "This thing happened" and then you deal with it, rather than, "This bad thing happened to me" and then allowing yourself to go down the rabbit hole of negative thinking.

Something that has followed me ever since I was young was feeling ignored by everyone.  I often felt insignificant and wondered how I could change in order to feel more accepted.  When I moved to college, then to other places I've lived after that, I was hoping that the feeling would go away.  I thought that maybe I wouldn't be ignored by these other people that I haven't met yet.  Instead of looking for acceptance in others, however, I should have been looking for it in myself.  I have since taken steps to be more accepting of who I am.  For example, I'm an introvert and I always use to sense that others saw that as a bad quality, probably because they use to say things to me like, "Why don't you talk?" or, when I was on stage, "Be louder!  Project your voice!".  It was so unnatural for me to try and be someone I wasn't.  Stepping out of your comfort zone and taking risks can be a good thing for sure, but I think there were times when instead of challenging myself, I denied myself completely.  Self-confidence is still something I'm actively working on, but I do have much more than I used to, and I've noticed a positive difference in my level of happiness.

  
Presence

A few months before I left Los Angeles, I knew there was a chance that I'd never be there again.  That thought forged me to live in the present.  I made sure I really savored my time there because I wanted to make sure I wouldn't have any regrets by the time I left.  I got out and did things, saw things, and met new people.  I had challenges and victories, moments of chaos and moments of peace.  I learned a lot of new things, including how to live on my own.  I wanted experiences and to really live there, not only do things that I could do anywhere, or worse, live unconsciously in my own head.

Asking for Help

I knew that once I got settled back home, that it was time I asked for help.  I didn't seek out professional help until 18 years later than I originally thought I needed to.  Eighteen years.  That was at least how long I let unhealthy patterns of thinking consume me.  But I have a regenerative spirit, meaning, I want to get better and I always look for ways to improve upon myself.  You have to want help and be vulnerable enough to let others in.  A lot of people never seek out any help from others because they see it as weakness when in reality, it not only takes a lot of courage to admit you're struggling with something, but getting the help you need will only make you stronger, and strong of course, is the opposite of weak.


When along for the ride, stay the course.  You may see short cuts or a clearer, easier path, but the sooner you accept the road you're on, are present for the journey, and allow someone else to take the wheel when you need it, then life will no longer pass you by because you'll be riding it - savoring it - the whole way.   

 

"I am Loving"

Magical things can take place right before you if you choose to open your heart and notice them.  I say this in regards to a bizarre, yet beautiful soul who rode the bus with me today.  Yes, this is another story of my observation of people on a bus that resonated with me.  But first, let me share a few things that were already on my mind.

For the past week, I have been meditating on positive affirmations each morning.  It's basically a list of things I tell myself with the goal of integrating them into my life and fully trusting that they are true.  For example, the last affirmation on my list that I've been telling myself each morning is, "I am loving."

I sometimes think that the older I get, I feel like most everyone I meet is some version of someone I've already met before.  I even had the horrible realization that I too often judge people negatively who I've come across with on a regular basis.  I've been handicapping myself into this view of 'me versus them'.  There are three things wrong with this: 1) 'versus' implies that people are out to hurt me in some way. 2) 'them' condenses everyone except myself into one group; it's an arrogant way of thinking because everyone is unique and has stories that I wouldn't even imagine. 3) it isolates me in a way that can harm my potential to connect with people.  How can I be more loving if I continue to think this way?

As a way to try and combat this crippling negativity, I told several strangers "I love you" today.  Alright, so it wasn't out loud, but in my mind.  But on the way home on the bus this afternoon, there was a man who did say it out loud.  On the same day I begin my philosophical quest to discover what it means to be more loving, God has already prepared a lesson.

When the man got on the bus, he addressed everyone.  I couldn't quote him word for word, but he said things like, "How are you all doing?  I love you all.  I got you.  You've been through a lot.  I got you."  I think a lot of people would say that this man is crazy, and he probably was honestly, but I think he said what I needed to hear in that moment.  He moved me and I even teared up a little.  He addressed everyone, but he looked at individuals.  What was also amazing, is that another man was brave enough to tell him that he loved him too.  How beautiful is that?  Two strangers sharing the love.

We don't have to know everyone's stories, their history, or anything for that matter in order to love them.  Seriously, we don't.  Love them because they are human, just like you.  I am saddened when I hear the word "hate" get thrown around like it's just some curse word.  If I hated anything, it would be hate itself.  To me, hate is the opposite of love therefore how can you have room in your heart to love someone if you hate them?  Love your enemies too.  I know it may sound like a hippie thing to say or naïve even, but I still understand anger.  You can be angry at someone and still love them.  You can never want to see a certain person again and still love them.  You can love a perfect stranger.  It is possible.  As you go along for the ride that is your life, tell yourself "I am loving" and be open to discover how to be just that.